Keys

Really = Wish
Really = Ask
Really = Intention
Really = Silence

Go Away August

It's the last day of August (thank Goddess!) But it's not going without a fight, no--I still havent received my September metrocard. August ate it.

Add to the anti-August list the loan I paid off at the beginning of the month that still isn't reflectsd in the balance.

And I'm $400 short for rent.

Daya got a shot.

It's ok, September starts tomorrow and there's nothing August can do about it.

And I made my blog public again, not that anyone actually reads it.

UPDATE: Since August ate my metrocard in the mail, I now have to pay double in transportation for September. The commuter program can't replace it.

Pigeon Risk

I'm making preparations to skip right over August next year. And it occurred to me that I have to replace it with something else. As in my own month. A new month. So l decided to find out how August came into its sorry existence.

"August was named for Augustus Caesar, Julius Caesar’s nephew and heir. His name means Great Caesar (his original name was Octavius). It was originally named Sextilis, for it was the considered the sixth month of the year.

The Old English name for this time period was “Weod Monath,” or, the month of weeds. "
http://www.geocities.com/edgarbook/names/other/month.html

Weed Month. I like that, except if I invent Weed Month it would probably attract a bunch of stoners and I'm not into that.

Roget's Thesaurus lists these synonyms for Weed:
http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=weed&x=31&y=9

Let's take Ignore and Skip and look at anagrams.

Pigeon Risk is, so far, my favourite one.

So next year I'll skip August entirely and replace it wth the Pigeon Risk Time (PRT).

I feel better already.

Corn Horn

I had a white unicorn stuffed animal as a kid. My sister had a matching one, but the mane on hers was shorter, so that's how we told them apart. My sister gave her unicorn a very appropriate and fitting name: Beauty. Me? I named my unicorn Corn Horn. (Corn Horn was a boy unicorn.)

I was thinking about Corn Horn last night while I was practically begging Daya to please fall asleep already. Very often, Daya makes me think of how I was as a kid. I think it's important to remember that. I'm not talking about all the what happened to you as a child and stuff, I'm talking about remembering what it was like to see the world through a child's eyes and think like a kid. The flexibility and fearlessness. And the reasoning.

I remember I was very, very little sitting in a high chair, and a woman with red hair or wearing something brick-red (Aunt Barbara or Grandma Terry?) with a harsh voice was really trying to get me to eat something, and I didn't want to. I was thinking about that, remembering why I didnt't want to, but there was no other reason.

The other thing I think about a lot is Daya when she's old...like in her 60s or later. Theoretically, I might still be around when Daya is in her 60s, but then I might not be. I think about Daya being alive and me being gone, (when she's an adult) and how her life is like and what did she do when I passed on? Her world without me. When I change her diaper I think about how these days are so early, and won't even be thought of years and years from now by Daya and those around her. Daya will change so much, so quickly. Her needs from me will change. Growing up is so, so sad in many ways.

August Leaves Parting Gifts

How many more days in this ridiculous month?

So my student loan payments went up. By a lot. Which is why I am completely, irrationally BROKE for the next 2 weeks.

Am taking financial action. Must get that payment down again. I can't afford what they're taking out. Have lowered the marriage-debt payments by a little so that'll be nice. And tomorrow first thing I'm changing my tax witholding.

Money is, of course, tied right into most people's survival nerve. Unfortunately I still fall into that category as well, but I notice that when I have a mini "oh shit" money crisis, I think about Daya, not myself.

But almost ever day I think about how I make x amount of salary, and I live in this tiny tiny place just scraping by. Something is very wrong with that, I think.

Oh yeah, it's the child-with-no-financial-help thing. I got really angry at the ex on the way home. I let myself be there occasionally, but not to stay there.

Please bring on September already. I am skipping August next year.

Motherwort 1

So after my marathon conversation with my sister the other night I decided to start taking Motherwort. I have a lot of meditating to do, and hopefully with the season change I'll actually be able to do it. At least I have my focus.

I cannot feel Mother energy at all. Not one bit. There is a heaviness in my heart, like a brick is stuck in there or something.

This afternoon I brewed a nice strong cup of the bitter herb. I feel something, it's...odd. And subtle. I dont know how else to describe it. But I defeinitely felt someting about halfway through the first cup...it feels like it's in the background.

This blockage I actually feel as a strong physical sensation in my heart. It's unpleasant. I'd really like it to go away.

I'm more confused than ever about that certain thing. It just makes no sense. None at all. Very very frustrating.

Universe, I demand an explanation. (Please.)

Oh, I had a Bubble War with Daya the other day. It was fun. I missed how she used to blow bubbles. She has started up again, with full force.

And she waited until just after we got home last night to expel the biggest shit-storm I have ever seen. The kind where you put the child right in the bathtub with all their clothes on. I dont know how such a little person can hold so much shit. Seriously. Goddess was looking out for me, I got home in record time. That would have been a really, really, really bad thing to happen while in transit.

And I have still never been pooped on, peed on, or puked on. Daya rocks.

Still August

What a strange month. Time is moving so slowly. I'm in a limbo, trying to sort out where I am in relation to some stuff. Things I believe, things I don't. Things I'm dropping. Things I'm keeping.

I have just realized that despite what .... told me, I have no clue where my life is going. Maybe everything changed. I don't know. And while what .... said was wonderful, I'm not attached to it. Honestly, I don't feel much of anything. I'm too focused on just doing what I have to do.

Something's wrong, I think, but I don't know how to fix it. Or maybe nothing's wrong and I shouldn't even worry about it.

Burn Out

I'm running on empty. I never rested at all since everything happened. The problem is that I have such a high stress threshold that I dont realize there is a problem until its at point critical.

So next week I have three days of vacation. I'm getting a massage. After I go to family court to get a stupid paper.......


*sighs* and there's another dissapearance.....but I guess I shouldnt worry about it.

I Hate August

Traditionally, this is always a bad month for me. Maybe I should stop thinking that, and it will change. But I'm just not in the mood.

The month is 8 days old and here's what's happened so far:

*Depressing news about something I've been working on.
*That disgusting heat wave.
*Defective 30 day metrocard...now I'm paying double transportation until a replacement/refund.
*UPS. There is nothing good to say about them right now.
*I sprained my toe this morning, it hurts a lot and there's not a damn thing to do about it.
*Disappearance of an important paper, meaning I have to go to Family Court over my vacation next week.
*Found out 2 close friends have/are moving out of the country.
*This entire month will be...err...a delicate financial balancing act.

Oh I guess I should stop it, things could be a lot worse. But I'm hardly ever in a bad mood, and I rarely complain, so I deserve time to bitch once and a while.