topiary cats

topiary cats

Friday, July 21, 2006

Keep Reminding Me

Men visst eg veit ein morgon renn
då dødens natt skal enda
Min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna

Vats II

Adding this painting from 2/25/2006
WC thread here



Thursday, July 20, 2006

Basins

Adding this painting to my blog, finished in December 2004.
8x10 Oil on canvas


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

A Woman

My friend sent me this, and I think it's beautiful.

This is from the Talmud:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

While I don't subscribe to the restrictions of religions, especially patriarchial male-dominated ones, and the coming from the rib thing is pure nonsense, the message here is really, really beautiful and so, so true.

I am such a geek

This is a pathetic confession.

The other night, I saw a link somewhere to take some grammar quiz. Because I truly do love grammar quizzes, (I am a geek) I had to take it.

At the end of the quiz I was asked if I am gay, straight, or bi. Did I even question "Why am I being asked that for a grammar thing?" No! I was too focused on getting my results.

Turns out the quiz was on an online dating site, which I have no interest in whatsoever, and I ended up having to spam-block them.

But I aced the quiz. Go me.

:)

Steam Room Musings

Time left 3XSQ: 11:38am
Time returned: 12:50pm

Not too bad. In the midst of the heat wave, I can be found in the pool, then in the steam room.

I've been going to the same gym for the last 5 years. Sometimes there will be a bit of a time gap between visits, but I always go back and resume a fairly regular schedule. That gym is the one place that has remained consistent for me these years, as I have gone through some intense life stages. My oasis of familiarity, in a bizarre way. It's a bit surreal being there, remembering the thoughts I used to think in the shower, where I would be going after leaving the gym, how I have changed and circumstance around me has changed, even how my body has changed.

Now its time to visit the gym again for another life stage and add a new set of Shower Thoughts.

Note to self: please remember your hair brush next time.

Monday, July 17, 2006

A Solitary Blue

Things have been slow, I have an internal heaviness that is difficult to overcome at times.

Perhaps it's the heat, perhaps it's something else. I try not to think about this time last year.

Mostly, I think it's because I am so, so tired inside.

This too shall pass.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

So the Cat Won't be Jealous

Adding this painting to the blog, from 3/21/2006
Work in progress thread here.


Friday, July 14, 2006

The Meatrix

http://www.themeatrix.com/

Normal is Relative and Probably Boring

Are You Normal?
Your Normalcy Quotient is: 29 out of 100. Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.

www.chatterbean.com/runormal/

HAHA.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

You're Cute, I Love You

My friend Yumiko lives in Japan. She has a little daughter named Miu.

Today, I got a wonderful email from them. Miu's favourite things to say are "You're cute" and "I love you".

She also sent me some wonderful drawings. (Miu loves Halloween, and the movie Nightmare Before Christmas.)

That email made me happy.


Rat Memorial Vol 1

I used to keep rats. I miss them a lot. My cat never understood why I would keep rats when I had her. Now and then, the rats would inspire some poetry.

Haiku between the rats and cat:

I don't get it- Why?
Must they stay here for always?
My tail's much better

*Heee heeee heeee heeee heeee
*We're here nothing you can do!
*We don't like your tail

These rat creatures, they
make lots of noise and don't sleep
as much as they should

*Life is for living
*Lazy good-for-nothing cat
*You don't have a clue

Hey! Put that rat down!
I want to play it's my turn
Rats won't play with me

*Cat you'd better go
*and clean your fur or something
*Your play's not our play

Better than window
I can mess with them all day
with unmoving stare

*OOH it gets our nerves
*Bloody cat with glinty eyes
*You still can't reach us!

I am much cuter
I have style finess and grace
I don't fall off shelves

*You stuck-up cat you
*We saw when you fell off bed
*We are still laughing!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent person. I've given a lot to people: time, energy, and money without asking for anything in return.

I am requesting a refund for certain large amounts of energy that turned out to be for something that was defective but I did not know it was defective. So I please need all that energy refunded to me.

Anyhow, I would please like this refund of energy in the form of a large sum of cash. Immediately, or as soon as possible would be really great, via a means that does not harm anyone in any way. That would be really fabulous.

I deserve this refund because I am part of You and I do good things. I am eternal, immortal, universal and infinite, and fun to be around most of the time. My capacity for abundance is unlimited.

Thanks for the amazing things You've done for me so far, they are all appreciated, even the things I don't know about or haven't happened yet. (But I have to ask what's up with that one thing?? You know which one...) Oh, and thank you so much that Daya wasn't twins. (Do I thank You for that too often?)

You're the best.

Love and kisses,
J


Comparisons

I find myself doing this, maybe its a little negative but I can't help it sometimes.

I find myself comparing my situation to other single moms. Especially, I find myself listing the things they have that I don't. For example:

-Child support/financial help**
-Family close by that helps out
-A car
-A dwelling where the child has their own room

But I also count my own blessings. I have:

-A (tiny) roof over my head. Not a great one, and I pay way too much rent for what I've got, but it's something
-A good job that I actually like and am good at with room for growth
-My health and relative sanity
-The capacity to financially support us, without any help
-A stable environment for the child
-Gratitude that I had the strength and resources to get the hell out

See? My blessings list is longer. That's good.

I do generally keep a positive mindset, I don't like feeling sorry for myself, and I really don't believe in being a victim. I do believe in taking responsibility for my choices. Some days are really hard, but I get through it.

Also, I know nothing about babies. In fact, mine is the only one I've ever been around. I never even played with dolls as a kid, I was much too busy playing in the dirt outside and having sword fights with my sister. And drawing. So if I'm really messing things up, I haven't got a clue that's what I'm doing. But the child is happy, and healthy, so I guess its ok. I'll try and screw her up as little as possible.

**I get a pathetic amount monthly in child support that doesn't even cover the cost of a month's worth of formula. I spend monthly on the child, on average, 12 times what I get in child support. And that's just for basic necessities and the babysitter. It was worth the trade-off, though, in getting him deported. Totally and completely worth it.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Sun in the Rain

Marriage

The very first thing I noticed about him and saw was his Gift. It flared around him like a brilliant light. I never dreamed he was actively mis-using it.

There are so many things I should have seen at the time, I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to put the pieces together. Or I didn't want to. And, I'm not trying to make excuses here but I was fogged to separate me from my own native internal intuition and knowing. I confronted him on it, he even admitted it openly, that he closed down my intuitive gifts. Said it was for my "protection". Huh?

I did get the internal warnings, though, at the milestones of the relationship. I just chose to ignore them. The things that didn't make sense, I just let them go. In June 2004, exactly one year before the shit hit the fan, I picked up the resonance of what was to happen and was quite disturbed for a while. Though I didn't know that's what it was, I can only see it looking back. I remember I had just gotten a nice large chunk of Stapelia Gigantea, and I went out after work to get a larger pot to put it in. The apartment was sunny, everything was ok, and I felt like the bottom had dropped out from my world, yet I had no context in which to place these feelings.

(Incidentally, my wonderful plant didn't survive my trauma. It was the only one I lost, and there was no physical reason for it to die. It just stopped growing and died. I miss it. )

But I digress.

To paraphrase, he said:

1.
A. The spiritual path is a straight path, the path of darkness winds like a snake crawls.
B. No matter what you see, walk straight. I'll veer away but will always come back. Don't try to follow, just keep walking straight.

Hmmmmmmm.

2.
A. Marriage is the highest expression of human love.
B. When you get married, everything becomes obligation.

Hmmmmmmm.

3.
A. Forever and Always.
B. You stay in relationships until you don't want to anymore.

Hmmmmmmm.

4.
A. I still love you.
B. I can change in a split second.

HMMMMMMM.

5.
A. I'll never be with anyone else but you. I have to be with you.
B. If I ever cheated on you, you'd take me back but it wouldn't be the same.

(To which I replied, "No, I wouldn't take you back." He obviously didn't take note of or believe my reaction.)

HMMMMMM.

At the end of it all, I said:
"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?"

He said:
"I don't gve a shit."

*************
The other month I was waiting at the bus stop and a woman started complimenting me on Daya.
She told me how her daughter was in a relationship and had been for 7 years, it was going well. She wanted them to get married, for the security. I told her that marriage is no guarantee for security; my husband bailed when I was 4 months pregnant.

Better to keep the relationship and have the partnership, than to force marriage for the sake of marriage.

She then agreed.
**************
There are two aspects to a marriage: the love/emotion part and the economic/legal part. That's a pretty volatile combination. When it works, I mean really works, it's magnificent. My Dad and Stepmom have a marriage like that.

Ideally, marriage should be a partnership of two people who are best friends and partners in all aspects of life. People who love each other enough to be committed, who are secure enough in themselves to let their partner be who they are without trying to control them or infringe on them. They are not trying to prove their love by being carbon-copies of each other. They are both strong enough and supportive enough of each other to get through the rough spots as allies, not advesaries. They take strength in each other. They trust each other. They are honest with each other. They respect each other enough to be able to disagree without hostility. They realize it doesn't have to be perfect, and that's ok.

I'd much rather be alone than be in a bad relationship.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Spirit-World PTSD: The Fear

I've been pondering all day what the heck this morning was all about. I think I mght know. It's sorta something I knew already but wasn't looking at directly.

If I'm wrong, I don't really care because the conclusion I've come to is very helpful and necessary, I think. But I don't think I'm wrong. I've been thinking about it anyhow lately, under the surface of my thoughts. It makes sense.

See, the first thing I have to really look at is the answer to this question: I've been completely fascinated with OBE and astral projection for the last, oh, 12 years or so. At various points in my life I have regularly practiced various meditations to get out. I've been out a few times consciously, but I cannot project at will and I have problems with it. Why? The real honest answer to why?

I'm chickenshit, that's why.

In my defense, I have very good reason to be chickenshit about it. I have seen and experienced some very scary stuff. At this point, though, I think it's immobilizing me from moving forward.

Every single time I have gone through my "spiritual classroom" so to speak, it's turned out to be that what I thought at first was good was actually very, very not-good. It's happened twice in a row, and both times were very scary and traumatic. I thought I knew better after the first time, but nope. I don't regret it because I learned a hell of a lot, and the second time I was fogged and by the time I realized it, it was too late...the first time I just didn't know any better. Well, the second time I also didn't know any better. But I needed to not know better in order to know better, so its ok.

I'm finding that I hold two opposites within myself: this amazing infinity of bliss and love, it is completely beyond words, and a very deep darkness of fear.

Stuie talks about the fear, in an interview he was asked how does one overcome this fear? His answer is that you don't- you just keep going. And Stuie has been through some very scary stuff too, that I don't even begin to know. That's what I love about him- he speaks very honestly about the fear, and the lonliness. I love Stu, one day I will meet him in person, when the time is right.

Wayne says that if we knew what walked beside and around us at all times, we'd never fear anything.

I think I have to work on the courage thing. I know I'll have help, that is very comforting.

Keys

If you believe in the magic, nothing can stand in your way

I am your dream
I am the Light you will be
And I will set you free
Come follow me, follow me

-cecilia

The world needs more people who really, truly believe in Unicorns.

"Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven."

Chickenman Hold My Hand

The 3am hour is always the one where stuff happens.

I was in a place that looked like the house in GA, with a woman who was a friend. There was a dead woman who wanted to see me, she gave her name as Jody Serota (someone I know and trust to be benign and of Light). Jody said I needed something. (Some other guy named Chris H... did too, but I don't know him and never saw him.) The woman I was with was going to take me to see Jody, who stayed in dead caverns off to the side of the house, but it wasn't a physical dimension. I was creeped out because, well, Jody was dead. She just wasn't actng like it.

Anyhow, aside from being scared, I didn't get the "bad" feeling I get with other entities I sometimes encounter. It was a friendly and beneficial sort of environment. Nevertheless, I was creeped out and delayed seeing Jody. I wish I wasn't scared. I went to the kitchen to get something, and I felt her before I saw her.

I saw her for a split instant, she was tall, pale, with short straight black hair and black areas for eyes. I was immediately turned facing away from her and she put her hands on my arms. I saw what looked like upside-down lightening, it felt like many volts of electricity going through my body. Her touch was very unpleasant, and I was really scared even though I knew she did not mean me harm and was there to help. I just kept thinking about her being dead.

I don't know if she did what she had to do, or if I was too freaked out to get what I was supposed to get- at any rate I was very gently put back inside my body, and I woke up gradually and without shock. Time was 4:06am.

Unlike other "encounters" I've had, I felt fine afterwards and I didn't have that creeped-out feeling at all, and no after-shock. So I know she was benign, and I wish I wasn't so scared and could stick around and see what it was all about. I think I still have "Spirit-World PTSD" from that time period a few years back. And from last summer, let's not forget that.

************************
On the way to work this morning I was sitting at the front of the bus; someone had written "Dead Girl" on the back of the truck in front of me.

On the way to work, at Liberty Ave there was a large dead cat in the middle of the road. (That made me really, really sad. I don't like things like that.)

Update 9:53 am- R--- just stopped me in the hall to mention the movie Sixth Sense, which he just saw, he thought it was scary. I was waiting for the third thing.
************************

Wish I knew what the hell it all means.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Things in their own time

...that's my mantra of late.

I know what I know, got the answer to my question, received my absolute Sign of confirmation, all is well, all will be well, I just have to wait.

That's the part I'm frustrated with, but what can you do?

Everything in its own time...

Also, a few weeks ago I was reading and had a strong and quite intense vision... I had a sense of repeating a monemt/clear deja vu, reminder of something I dreamed before...after reading that particular book, I fell into heaven. It was pure bliss.

So I know everything is ok.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Who said vegetarian children are smaller?

They never met mine.

My child eats spinach. And tofu.

Definitely my child.

Tolemac

I remember this clear as day, and I have thought about it often over the course of my life, since it happened.

When I was six years old, sitting in Mrs. DiSetti's first grade classroom, I tranced out and had a vision. I was moving forward fast through space, and there were violet lights. I went "into the violet", and there was violet all aroud me, it was awesome. For many years afterwards I tried repeating this experience.

I haven't had the early psychic awakenings that many people speak of, I spent most of my childhood, all of my teenage years, and the first half of my 20s being completely dissociated from myself. But I always had a feeling about something...

Thanks Stuie, you have a great way of clarifying things.

Daya has an Pisces rising, I can't say I'm surprised. I'm so glad I had a daughter, I have a lot to teach her. She's amazing.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Mostly OK

I've been taking the last 8 months or so to get my life back together, to get my head straight after all the crap, to heal my heart, to release anger, to learn forgiveness, to re-align spiritually. Help has come in the most incredible and beautiful forms. I have come a long way, but still have a road to walk.

Any situation can be looked at as a positive because there are incredible lessons and opportunities for growth. It is so true that we create our reality with our thoughts. The hard part is going through it, it hurts like hell. People get really hurt in this plane, really hurt.

As part of my "retreat", I have been making meditation a spiritual discipline. I can't imagine being where I am without it. Lately I have been oversleeping, doing my meditation at 6:30am instead of 5:30am. I have to realistically admit that I get exhausted.

Daya requires a lot, I have to make sure she's ok. Then the cat wants attention too, and I have to be there for her because she's always been a very good friend to me. Sometimes I want something for myself, to fill up that reservoir that I have long since let myself forget about. The words and support from friends helps, more than they will ever know, but I'm so tired, sometimes I really, really need help, but they cannot help me in the ways I need.

I never wanted to do this alone. I deeply resent being in this situation, because it was done on purpose with pre-conceived intent. For a god-damned greencard. That's the worst part of it.

Sometimes I get really, really scared...but I have to stop and remind myself that everything will be ok.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Special Presents

Word keeps coming back from multiple sources that someone doesn't look too good. S. says he thinks I cursed her.

But I didn't. I did give her a present, though, which in the end will be for her benefit, because that's how it has to be for me to get my desired result and not completely muck up my own energy...I cannot act in a manner contrary to what I wish my own energy to be. When you know stuff, and how to do stuff, you've got to be really careful with that. I've seen others go insane. So I'm not in the cursing business. When you reach a certain point in awakening, the things you manifest with intention---either positive or negative---come to you very quickly. I much prefer positive, love, peace, and all that. In the end, its all about love anyhow, and the hurts that others have done to us melt away in that light. Letting go of it is liberation and true freedom. What will get us is looking at the things we have done to others...so it's better to just love everyone, try to not hurt anyone, and not project negative nasty stuff. There's too much of that already.

It took me a while to get there, and maybe I'm still not there 100%, but I can see it with understanding, and even be there some of the time, so I'm thankful.

It might be a bit hard on her until she comes full circle with it all, but that's life.

Even after four years they still sang to me like never before, it was so cool. Brilliant work, if I do say so myself.

Atonement is a bitch, it's much better to do it while you're still alive.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

More Rain

I love watching people in the rain. They all have such crazy reactions, they get grumpy, freak out about a little water etc...you'd think people never showered.

Rain doesn't bother me so much, especially when it's warm outside. What does bother me a little s getting a bit drenched then having to sit in very cold AC.

I need more chai.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Again

Maybe I'll start blogging again.

A lot has happened.

Life is different.

I am a different person.

Life is all about lessons, and in the end it's ok.