topiary cats

topiary cats

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Pregnancy Again?

I very often ask myself the question of if I were to meet a good partner who wanted a child, would I go through it again?

And I honestly don't know. I have spent this year dealing with the loss of my marriage and events leading up to it, and finding myself spiritually again, and just getting through time and taking care of Daya. And being positive and finding my inner happiness. But I really haven't gone too far into the trauma that was the pregnancy and the imprints that time period left in my being.

Pregnancy was not a magical time for me, it was nothing like the way I would have wanted it- a time at the height of my feminine power, psychically connecting with the baby, basking in my womanhood. Being so connected with the Source of life. I have a deep sadness that none of my emotional memories of the pregnancy and birth are positive ones. In many ways, I feel that I actually missed the pregnancy and birth.

So I don't know if I'd do it again. Part of me would like to, to know what it is like to be loved and supported through such a delicate, vulnerable, and amazing time. To not be abandoned. Part of me says no way, and is terrified of body-memories and mind-memories that I know would surface. I know that should I ever breastfeed a child again, I'd also have some very unpleasant body-memories emerge. Even if I should have another child, though, it would never be the same. There is nothing like having your first child- not knowing anything about it, a journey into the unknown. With a second child I'd at least know what the hell I was doing. I feel in a deep way that I was robbed of something, especially because the actions by another were so *deliberately* cruel and calculated. He was planning this.

This particular issue, for me, runs very deep and I'm not actually sure how to heal from it. I've felt out of touch with my feminine energy to begin with, and this most uniquely feminine experience is laced with so much pain. I am still trying to find the celebration in it, the celebration in motherhood. Somehow I missed that, in having to deal with the other things, and I don't know how to connect with it. I need to find a way to make peace with it.

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