topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Mother Post

One of the good things about having a child (daughter) is that is really makes me look at some deep mother issues. What a trite and tiresome thing to go through, but now that I've made this blog non-public I can be as self-indulgent as I want without thinking that someone else is reading it. I feel better with this space being between me and goddess.

I never wanted kids. I never had the biological clock thing, the thing inside that so many women seem to have, the instinct to have a baby. I never had it. I still don't. I adore Daya, I definitely have a mom instinct, and I don't have regrets, but I still often have moments where I miss having childfree freedom. I miss not having someone to consistently be concerned about, someone so close tht it would shatter your heart if anything bad should happen to them, I miss relative financial freedom. If there was no child born of my sham marriage, I would be in a very good situation financially.....kids are expensive. Especially when there is no help. I wouldn't regret not having a child, that's the truth of it.

I don't know how to be a mom. I know how to provide for my child and meet her needs, I usually know what's bothering her and what she wants, but I don't really know how to play with her, interact with her, talk to her, stuff like that.

My mother was a dismal failure when it came to fostering a good relationship with her children, yesterday and today. But she was a good provider, we had a nice house and food. It was stable as far as having a place to live was concerned. What went on in that house is another story, but even between me and goddess I can't go into one of those woe is me for my childhood episodes. I'm long past that.

The point of this s that I don't know how to relate to being a mother. My heart is blocked off from my own mother, and has been since I was at least 15, long before that, even. For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to show self-expression, any part of who I am and how I feel, in front of my mother. I still don't. Part of my heart literally feels closed off. I'm not sure how to access that blocked part. I feel it carrying over into my relationship with Daya. I don't know how to be a mother.

I love my child but I wonder if there is somethig wrong with me, am I not relating to it the way other women seem to? How much of it is my issues and how much is my circumstance? I really don't know.

Will Daya stay as happy as she is right now? Will she have sub-conscious issues because she was weaned early? Because she's been holding her own bottle since how long? Is she already too independent of me, did I force that on her too soon? I rarely hold her when I feed her, and it's been like that for a while. I hold her lots of other times though, and always when she wants to be picked up. Last week I put her in bed with me, because I missed co-sleeping, but Daya managed to take up the middle of the bed, leaving no room for me, and slept soundly while I stayed awake.

When I was in love with the ex, it felt...different. Like love overpouring all the time. I don't feel that heart energy anymore. aren't women supposed to be "in love" with their kids? How much is that my blockage and how much is it because of what I went through that drained the emotion out of me?

I don't feel a warmth in my heart when it comes to being a mom. I don't know how to relate to myself as being a mom. I feel a block......a heaviness. I'm tired. I don't know anything about kids. I don't have any help. I don't want Daya to grow up hating me.

What I know is that my energy reserves were never replaced. I had no energy to feel anything by the time Daya was born. I feel like I missed the experience. There was nothing left inside me to feel much of anything. This year has been an uphill walk all the way. I feel like a mule.

My taste of motherhood has not been a positive experience, though the child herself is wonderful. And isn't that suppsed to make the experience good? Why isn't it?

I don't want my child to be "someone I have to take care of"...I want to have a strong, good relationsho with her, I want to feel more of the joy of motherhood that others experience. Is something wrong with me? Do I just not have that intrinsic female part?

This mother thing is a strange journey. I must have many lessons to learn from it.

I always wanted a partner, a man to love and be loved by. But I find myself alone, wth a child.
I always seem to find myelf alone, doing everything alone, taking care of everything alone. It's hard, I am different than most of the people around me. I am not into the things they are into, I dont think the way they do, believe what they believe. I have been exposed to and know things they never think about, or at best wonder about. I have answers to questions most regard as mystery at best. I have found my spiritual truths and understandings, I got the answers to my questions. Where will my spiritual growth go next? I have so much spiritual understanding, in a way, and I find myself once again re-discovering how to relate to goddess and not being sure anymore. My thoughts are not the thoughts of those around me. It's lonely. I thought I found a like-minded person, really was sure of it, but it didnt pan out.

And I don't think I even believe in marriage anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it is a financial contract, that's the truth of it. Don't mix love and money. It's harder to get divorced than it is to marry. I don't want to be married. A boyfriend would be nice though, I think I'd like that.

I'm glad Daya is a girl. Sometimes I think having her around is my saving grace.

But I don't know how to replenish my mana, as it might be referred to in an RPG game. Health high, mana low.

Where can I find the Goddess? Within? Where is She?

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