topiary cats

topiary cats

Thursday, August 31, 2006


Really = Wish
Really = Ask
Really = Intention
Really = Silence

Go Away August

It's the last day of August (thank Goddess!) But it's not going without a fight, no--I still havent received my September metrocard. August ate it.

Add to the anti-August list the loan I paid off at the beginning of the month that still isn't reflectsd in the balance.

And I'm $400 short for rent.

Daya got a shot.

It's ok, September starts tomorrow and there's nothing August can do about it.

And I made my blog public again, not that anyone actually reads it.

UPDATE: Since August ate my metrocard in the mail, I now have to pay double in transportation for September. The commuter program can't replace it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Pigeon Risk

I'm making preparations to skip right over August next year. And it occurred to me that I have to replace it with something else. As in my own month. A new month. So l decided to find out how August came into its sorry existence.

"August was named for Augustus Caesar, Julius Caesar’s nephew and heir. His name means Great Caesar (his original name was Octavius). It was originally named Sextilis, for it was the considered the sixth month of the year.

The Old English name for this time period was “Weod Monath,” or, the month of weeds. "

Weed Month. I like that, except if I invent Weed Month it would probably attract a bunch of stoners and I'm not into that.

Roget's Thesaurus lists these synonyms for Weed:

Let's take Ignore and Skip and look at anagrams.
Pigeon Risk is, so far, my favourite one.
So next year I'll skip August entirely and replace it wth the Pigeon Risk Time (PRT).
I feel better already.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Corn Horn

I had a white unicorn stuffed animal as a kid. My sister had a matching one, but the mane on hers was shorter, so that's how we told them apart. My sister gave her unicorn a very appropriate and fitting name: Beauty. Me? I named my unicorn Corn Horn. (Corn Horn was a boy unicorn.)

I was thinking about Corn Horn last night while I was practically begging Daya to please fall asleep already. Very often, Daya makes me think of how I was as a kid. I think it's important to remember that. I'm not talking about all the what happened to you as a child and stuff, I'm talking about remembering what it was like to see the world through a child's eyes and think like a kid. The flexibility and fearlessness. And the reasoning.

I remember I was very, very little sitting in a high chair, and a woman with red hair or wearing something brick-red (Aunt Barbara or Grandma Terry?) with a harsh voice was really trying to get me to eat something, and I didn't want to. I was thinking about that, remembering why I didnt't want to, but there was no other reason.

The other thing I think about a lot is Daya when she's in her 60s or later. Theoretically, I might still be around when Daya is in her 60s, but then I might not be. I think about Daya being alive and me being gone, (when she's an adult) and how her life is like and what did she do when I passed on? Her world without me. When I change her diaper I think about how these days are so early, and won't even be thought of years and years from now by Daya and those around her. Daya will change so much, so quickly. Her needs from me will change. Growing up is so, so sad in many ways.

Monday, August 28, 2006

August Leaves Parting Gifts

How many more days in this ridiculous month?

So my student loan payments went up. By a lot. Which is why I am completely, irrationally BROKE for the next 2 weeks.

Am taking financial action. Must get that payment down again. I can't afford what they're taking out. Have lowered the marriage-debt payments by a little so that'll be nice. And tomorrow first thing I'm changing my tax witholding.

Money is, of course, tied right into most people's survival nerve. Unfortunately I still fall into that category as well, but I notice that when I have a mini "oh shit" money crisis, I think about Daya, not myself.

But almost ever day I think about how I make x amount of salary, and I live in this tiny tiny place just scraping by. Something is very wrong with that, I think.

Oh yeah, it's the child-with-no-financial-help thing. I got really angry at the ex on the way home. I let myself be there occasionally, but not to stay there.

Please bring on September already. I am skipping August next year.

Motherwort 1

So after my marathon conversation with my sister the other night I decided to start taking Motherwort. I have a lot of meditating to do, and hopefully with the season change I'll actually be able to do it. At least I have my focus.

I cannot feel Mother energy at all. Not one bit. There is a heaviness in my heart, like a brick is stuck in there or something.

This afternoon I brewed a nice strong cup of the bitter herb. I feel something, it's...odd. And subtle. I dont know how else to describe it. But I defeinitely felt someting about halfway through the first feels like it's in the background.

This blockage I actually feel as a strong physical sensation in my heart. It's unpleasant. I'd really like it to go away.

I'm more confused than ever about that certain thing. It just makes no sense. None at all. Very very frustrating.

Universe, I demand an explanation. (Please.)

Oh, I had a Bubble War with Daya the other day. It was fun. I missed how she used to blow bubbles. She has started up again, with full force.

And she waited until just after we got home last night to expel the biggest shit-storm I have ever seen. The kind where you put the child right in the bathtub with all their clothes on. I dont know how such a little person can hold so much shit. Seriously. Goddess was looking out for me, I got home in record time. That would have been a really, really, really bad thing to happen while in transit.

And I have still never been pooped on, peed on, or puked on. Daya rocks.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Mother Post

One of the good things about having a child (daughter) is that is really makes me look at some deep mother issues. What a trite and tiresome thing to go through, but now that I've made this blog non-public I can be as self-indulgent as I want without thinking that someone else is reading it. I feel better with this space being between me and goddess.

I never wanted kids. I never had the biological clock thing, the thing inside that so many women seem to have, the instinct to have a baby. I never had it. I still don't. I adore Daya, I definitely have a mom instinct, and I don't have regrets, but I still often have moments where I miss having childfree freedom. I miss not having someone to consistently be concerned about, someone so close tht it would shatter your heart if anything bad should happen to them, I miss relative financial freedom. If there was no child born of my sham marriage, I would be in a very good situation are expensive. Especially when there is no help. I wouldn't regret not having a child, that's the truth of it.

I don't know how to be a mom. I know how to provide for my child and meet her needs, I usually know what's bothering her and what she wants, but I don't really know how to play with her, interact with her, talk to her, stuff like that.

My mother was a dismal failure when it came to fostering a good relationship with her children, yesterday and today. But she was a good provider, we had a nice house and food. It was stable as far as having a place to live was concerned. What went on in that house is another story, but even between me and goddess I can't go into one of those woe is me for my childhood episodes. I'm long past that.

The point of this s that I don't know how to relate to being a mother. My heart is blocked off from my own mother, and has been since I was at least 15, long before that, even. For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to show self-expression, any part of who I am and how I feel, in front of my mother. I still don't. Part of my heart literally feels closed off. I'm not sure how to access that blocked part. I feel it carrying over into my relationship with Daya. I don't know how to be a mother.

I love my child but I wonder if there is somethig wrong with me, am I not relating to it the way other women seem to? How much of it is my issues and how much is my circumstance? I really don't know.

Will Daya stay as happy as she is right now? Will she have sub-conscious issues because she was weaned early? Because she's been holding her own bottle since how long? Is she already too independent of me, did I force that on her too soon? I rarely hold her when I feed her, and it's been like that for a while. I hold her lots of other times though, and always when she wants to be picked up. Last week I put her in bed with me, because I missed co-sleeping, but Daya managed to take up the middle of the bed, leaving no room for me, and slept soundly while I stayed awake.

When I was in love with the ex, it felt...different. Like love overpouring all the time. I don't feel that heart energy anymore. aren't women supposed to be "in love" with their kids? How much is that my blockage and how much is it because of what I went through that drained the emotion out of me?

I don't feel a warmth in my heart when it comes to being a mom. I don't know how to relate to myself as being a mom. I feel a block......a heaviness. I'm tired. I don't know anything about kids. I don't have any help. I don't want Daya to grow up hating me.

What I know is that my energy reserves were never replaced. I had no energy to feel anything by the time Daya was born. I feel like I missed the experience. There was nothing left inside me to feel much of anything. This year has been an uphill walk all the way. I feel like a mule.

My taste of motherhood has not been a positive experience, though the child herself is wonderful. And isn't that suppsed to make the experience good? Why isn't it?

I don't want my child to be "someone I have to take care of"...I want to have a strong, good relationsho with her, I want to feel more of the joy of motherhood that others experience. Is something wrong with me? Do I just not have that intrinsic female part?

This mother thing is a strange journey. I must have many lessons to learn from it.

I always wanted a partner, a man to love and be loved by. But I find myself alone, wth a child.
I always seem to find myelf alone, doing everything alone, taking care of everything alone. It's hard, I am different than most of the people around me. I am not into the things they are into, I dont think the way they do, believe what they believe. I have been exposed to and know things they never think about, or at best wonder about. I have answers to questions most regard as mystery at best. I have found my spiritual truths and understandings, I got the answers to my questions. Where will my spiritual growth go next? I have so much spiritual understanding, in a way, and I find myself once again re-discovering how to relate to goddess and not being sure anymore. My thoughts are not the thoughts of those around me. It's lonely. I thought I found a like-minded person, really was sure of it, but it didnt pan out.

And I don't think I even believe in marriage anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it is a financial contract, that's the truth of it. Don't mix love and money. It's harder to get divorced than it is to marry. I don't want to be married. A boyfriend would be nice though, I think I'd like that.

I'm glad Daya is a girl. Sometimes I think having her around is my saving grace.

But I don't know how to replenish my mana, as it might be referred to in an RPG game. Health high, mana low.

Where can I find the Goddess? Within? Where is She?

Still August

What a strange month. Time is moving so slowly. I'm in a limbo, trying to sort out where I am in relation to some stuff. Things I believe, things I don't. Things I'm dropping. Things I'm keeping.

I have just realized that despite what .... told me, I have no clue where my life is going. Maybe everything changed. I don't know. And while what .... said was wonderful, I'm not attached to it. Honestly, I don't feel much of anything. I'm too focused on just doing what I have to do.

Something's wrong, I think, but I don't know how to fix it. Or maybe nothing's wrong and I shouldn't even worry about it.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Burn Out

I'm running on empty. I never rested at all since everything happened. The problem is that I have such a high stress threshold that I dont realize there is a problem until its at point critical.

So next week I have three days of vacation. I'm getting a massage. After I go to family court to get a stupid paper.......

*sighs* and there's another dissapearance.....but I guess I shouldnt worry about it.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I Hate August

Traditionally, this is always a bad month for me. Maybe I should stop thinking that, and it will change. But I'm just not in the mood.

The month is 8 days old and here's what's happened so far:

*Depressing news about something I've been working on.
*That disgusting heat wave.
*Defective 30 day I'm paying double transportation until a replacement/refund.
*UPS. There is nothing good to say about them right now.
*I sprained my toe this morning, it hurts a lot and there's not a damn thing to do about it.
*Disappearance of an important paper, meaning I have to go to Family Court over my vacation next week.
*Found out 2 close friends have/are moving out of the country.
*This entire month will be...err...a delicate financial balancing act.

Oh I guess I should stop it, things could be a lot worse. But I'm hardly ever in a bad mood, and I rarely complain, so I deserve time to bitch once and a while.