topiary cats

topiary cats

Monday, July 10, 2006

Spirit-World PTSD: The Fear

I've been pondering all day what the heck this morning was all about. I think I mght know. It's sorta something I knew already but wasn't looking at directly.

If I'm wrong, I don't really care because the conclusion I've come to is very helpful and necessary, I think. But I don't think I'm wrong. I've been thinking about it anyhow lately, under the surface of my thoughts. It makes sense.

See, the first thing I have to really look at is the answer to this question: I've been completely fascinated with OBE and astral projection for the last, oh, 12 years or so. At various points in my life I have regularly practiced various meditations to get out. I've been out a few times consciously, but I cannot project at will and I have problems with it. Why? The real honest answer to why?

I'm chickenshit, that's why.

In my defense, I have very good reason to be chickenshit about it. I have seen and experienced some very scary stuff. At this point, though, I think it's immobilizing me from moving forward.

Every single time I have gone through my "spiritual classroom" so to speak, it's turned out to be that what I thought at first was good was actually very, very not-good. It's happened twice in a row, and both times were very scary and traumatic. I thought I knew better after the first time, but nope. I don't regret it because I learned a hell of a lot, and the second time I was fogged and by the time I realized it, it was too late...the first time I just didn't know any better. Well, the second time I also didn't know any better. But I needed to not know better in order to know better, so its ok.

I'm finding that I hold two opposites within myself: this amazing infinity of bliss and love, it is completely beyond words, and a very deep darkness of fear.

Stuie talks about the fear, in an interview he was asked how does one overcome this fear? His answer is that you don't- you just keep going. And Stuie has been through some very scary stuff too, that I don't even begin to know. That's what I love about him- he speaks very honestly about the fear, and the lonliness. I love Stu, one day I will meet him in person, when the time is right.

Wayne says that if we knew what walked beside and around us at all times, we'd never fear anything.

I think I have to work on the courage thing. I know I'll have help, that is very comforting.

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