topiary cats

topiary cats

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Marriage

The very first thing I noticed about him and saw was his Gift. It flared around him like a brilliant light. I never dreamed he was actively mis-using it.

There are so many things I should have seen at the time, I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to put the pieces together. Or I didn't want to. And, I'm not trying to make excuses here but I was fogged to separate me from my own native internal intuition and knowing. I confronted him on it, he even admitted it openly, that he closed down my intuitive gifts. Said it was for my "protection". Huh?

I did get the internal warnings, though, at the milestones of the relationship. I just chose to ignore them. The things that didn't make sense, I just let them go. In June 2004, exactly one year before the shit hit the fan, I picked up the resonance of what was to happen and was quite disturbed for a while. Though I didn't know that's what it was, I can only see it looking back. I remember I had just gotten a nice large chunk of Stapelia Gigantea, and I went out after work to get a larger pot to put it in. The apartment was sunny, everything was ok, and I felt like the bottom had dropped out from my world, yet I had no context in which to place these feelings.

(Incidentally, my wonderful plant didn't survive my trauma. It was the only one I lost, and there was no physical reason for it to die. It just stopped growing and died. I miss it. )

But I digress.

To paraphrase, he said:

1.
A. The spiritual path is a straight path, the path of darkness winds like a snake crawls.
B. No matter what you see, walk straight. I'll veer away but will always come back. Don't try to follow, just keep walking straight.

Hmmmmmmm.

2.
A. Marriage is the highest expression of human love.
B. When you get married, everything becomes obligation.

Hmmmmmmm.

3.
A. Forever and Always.
B. You stay in relationships until you don't want to anymore.

Hmmmmmmm.

4.
A. I still love you.
B. I can change in a split second.

HMMMMMMM.

5.
A. I'll never be with anyone else but you. I have to be with you.
B. If I ever cheated on you, you'd take me back but it wouldn't be the same.

(To which I replied, "No, I wouldn't take you back." He obviously didn't take note of or believe my reaction.)

HMMMMMM.

At the end of it all, I said:
"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?"

He said:
"I don't gve a shit."

*************
The other month I was waiting at the bus stop and a woman started complimenting me on Daya.
She told me how her daughter was in a relationship and had been for 7 years, it was going well. She wanted them to get married, for the security. I told her that marriage is no guarantee for security; my husband bailed when I was 4 months pregnant.

Better to keep the relationship and have the partnership, than to force marriage for the sake of marriage.

She then agreed.
**************
There are two aspects to a marriage: the love/emotion part and the economic/legal part. That's a pretty volatile combination. When it works, I mean really works, it's magnificent. My Dad and Stepmom have a marriage like that.

Ideally, marriage should be a partnership of two people who are best friends and partners in all aspects of life. People who love each other enough to be committed, who are secure enough in themselves to let their partner be who they are without trying to control them or infringe on them. They are not trying to prove their love by being carbon-copies of each other. They are both strong enough and supportive enough of each other to get through the rough spots as allies, not advesaries. They take strength in each other. They trust each other. They are honest with each other. They respect each other enough to be able to disagree without hostility. They realize it doesn't have to be perfect, and that's ok.

I'd much rather be alone than be in a bad relationship.

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