Sunday, December 31, 2006
Usually I don't make a big deal out of New Year's. This year it seems significant in some way. Perhaps it's because I am so optimistic about 2007, in other ways the end of this year is laying to rest my transition.
Circumstances bringing me and Daya into the New Year are good. My tiny tiny studio apartment feels so far away- this new apartment is wonderful. Financially I am moving into the new year with a little extra, and my financial planning for next year will have me and Daya in a good place. My goal is to completely eliminate the marriage-debt next year, and with the way things are going that is within my ability to do.
2007 will bring me finalized divorce papers. I wish that had happened this year but it shouldn't be long now.
In September of 2005 I had a dream that I was in a race at night, on horseback. A man lay by the side of the road, dying, and a woman was trying to save him. I stopped to help them and I healed the man. Stopping meant that I would not place first in the race. I finished anyhow, and a voice told me that I had won after all- not because I came in first, but because I had stopped to help the dying man. Then I was racing quickly and smoothly towards my destination, a dark tunnel towards the water and a boat. I could not see them but I knew they were there. Tiny pinpricks of light guided me at every step. There was light at the end, and bliss.
That dream gave me comfort and a solid peace when I had it. Though I was told by the Ex it meant my death in childbirth, I knew differently. I feel that I am somehow going towards that place of bliss, and I look forward to the next leg in my Journey.
If I had New Year's resolutions, mine would be to make my inner peace and my outer behaviour congruent. I would like to learn how to go above everyday irritations. Often I find myself misunderstood, and I would like to come to terms with that and understand why. I wish for a solid peace to surround me.
How different would I be of I was out of this urban environment? That, too, will come in time.
True freedom begins in the infinity of the mind.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
I am 3 1/2 months old. Because I am so big, people
always think that I am about 6 months old. They are
always so suprised to hear that I'm still mostly
People like me because I am very cute and I have lots
of hair. So they do nice things for me. A few nights
ago my mom and I were on our way home. We were
waiting for the bus, and it was very, very cold
outside. An off-duty bus driver picked us up! We
didn't stop until all the way to when we got home.
That bus driver is a very nice man.
My mom gave me her Tiger. He lives in my crib. She
says he's very special because she had him since she
was three years old. (I am not sure what three years
old is) But I like him a lot. I like his stripes.
Every night he helps me fall asleep. We have a nice
long chat with each other, then he snuggles with me.
I put pictures in to show you.
My mouth is doing funny things. I'm starting to itch
or something. My mom says it's because I am just
starting to teethe. I'm not sure what teeth are but
they don't sound good. I hope it stops soon.
I think my cat wants to be friends. One time she
sniffed my hand before she ran away really fast. That
must be a definite sign of friendship. I am convinced
we are building the foundation of a lasting
Enjoy the pictures!
Daya (and Jessica)
I turned 3 months old last week. In celebration, I got:
1 (one) shot from the doctor and
2 (two) ears pierced!
I barely cried at all.
I am HUGE. I already weigh 15.4lbs, and I am 25 1/2
inches long. The doctor said I am in the 98th
percentile for size and growth. In the last month, I
gained 4 lbs!!
Mom says that because I am 3 months old it's time
for me to try and sleep through the night. I don't
think this is a very good idea. Mom keeps saying
something about how I'm old enough now to learn and it would
be really great because she has not had an
uninterrupted night's sleep for 7 months. Unfortunately the
doctor is on her side. I think I need a new doctor.
I have 2 hands! They're really cool. Mom keeps
saying someting about I have feet too, but I don't
know what the heck she's talking about.
I want to talk sooo badly, and I'll have a good
conversation with anyone who will listen. And talk
back. The cat won't talk back to me though, she
just runs away.
Yesterday I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
It was my very first museum trip ever. People
looked at me instead of the paintings, and lots of people
kept saying they loved my leopard print socks.
When I was at the museum we went to the gift store
and I picked out some fun presents for my friends Yumiko
and Miu who live in Japan. I think it's cool that I
already have friends all over the world.
My mom says she'll teach me to paint, too, when I
get just a little bit bigger. I think I will paint
better than those museum paintings.
Mom keeps trying to get a picture with me and the
cat,but the cat doesn't like me very much (yet). She
won't sit anywhere near me, so I took pictures with
my horse instead. (Thanx Christine for my horse!)
Thanks to **everyone** who has given me such nice
things. You are all so wonderful and thoughtful.
Check out the attached Word document for the latest
pictures of me! There are 4 pages. Don't forget to
look at my leopard socks!
Daya (and Jessica)
Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
A co-worker and I were talking today about how people are judged by physical appearance in the workplace. Women, specifically. She said it's just life, that's just how it is, what are you going to do. And I said what I am going to do is not be like that.
Really, it's things like that which make me so disgusted at humans. The superficiality of peoples' opinions. I go back and forth on humanity in general---I hate that poeple are so mean. Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm just stupid, but when I encounter stuff like this I'm glad that I'm such a recluse.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Today, this was proved wrong.
Co-worker: How did you make that screenshot?
Me: YOU made it.
Co-worker: I made it?
Me: YES, these are your files, YOU made them- don't you know your own work?
This week I have been angry a lot. At the above-mentioned co-worker. Really pissed off, actually. I do not enjoy being angry, though it's just part of experiencing life. So while being angry I try to observe it as much as possible. I find it unpleasant. It makes me feel distant from god. I don't like how I am when I'm angry like I've been. I'm very bitchy.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
It's right near my left hip, and I first noticed it when I was 12...? 14...? I can't even remember, but I've lived with the lump for over 15 years. I've never been concerned about it and I'm still not. It's taken 15 years to get to a size of 3cm.
But today, the demise of the lump is at hand.
I do not think I will miss it very much.
Update: The Lump is gone. (yay) Turns out it was a cyst the size of a golfball. (ew) It sure didn't seem that big! Surgeon lady was super-fabulous.
I am still skeeved out.
I do not miss the Lump.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
That's why I try and steer clear as much as possible.
But enough about my anti-holiday spirit...let's talk about gift giving!
Here is a list of the worst presents I've ever gotten. I'm very sorry to say that they all came from the same person.
*For my high school graduation I received an oven mitt, pot holder, and dish towel that said "Mi casa es su casa". Because I studied Spanish.
*For my college graduation I received (with a Wal-Mart sticker) a matted print tryptich of Anne Geddes baby photos wearing cactus hats. Because I like cacti.
The other thing that peeves me off about gift giving is the mindset that anything given MUST be attached to an occasion to justify it.
Giving should come from the heart, not obligation to an occasion.
And that's why I don't have a holiday list.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Perhaps most people would think me crazy, stupid, flaky, whatever. But I don't care. I am a dreamer. I have a vast inner life and I feel the force of the goddess in my heart. I believe in faith and flow, and the power of intentions and thoughts. When I feel a bit lonely and strange to the world around me, all I have to do is think of how I do NOT want to be- so many of the traits I see around me constantly.
As a side note, personality tests and intelligence/thinking tests I've taken rank me in a very small percentage of the population. I also have a rare blood type.
Anyhow, here's today's wisdom, which was exactly what I needed to hear, and what appeared as a single sheet of paper in a box of kitchen things I was unpacking.
"...one needs to become a professional waiter. Amateur waiters wait inside their emotions, they fret and worry and pine, and they focus on what they don't have, rather than on what they do have. The professional waiter is more Zen, he or she waits inside their eternity. They sit and wait because it is in their nature to do so, nothing much moves them. They are detached from the tumbling mental scenarios usually associated with waiting.
Professional waiting usually deals with tangible things: planes, boats and train, waiting for stuff to arrive. But beyond that there is the intangible, the unseen things we wait for. I term that 'deep waiting'. It doesn't involve logic; it is a form of waiting that asks you to hold an idea sacrosanct in your feelings knowing it will come to pass, when there is no logic of any kind to support the idea. It's a kind of spiritual waiting, a deep sense of trust in God."
Daya loves her pacifiers. She doesn't have a favorite, she just loves them all.
I do NOT love them and am just biding my time until they all disappear for good.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I have a toddler.
Oh. My. God.
I am very, very scared.
Does this mean I actually (really and truly) have to stick to a routine more involved than waking up at the same time and going to sleep at more or less the same time? And change my bad habits stemming from the laziness acquired from living alone?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
On the train, I looked out the window at one of the station clocks to check my time. Why did it say 7:36? I seriously thought that the subway people forgot to change the clocks a few weeks ago. But I still had a suspicion...
...that was confirmed when I got to work at exactly 8am. I called the sitter to apologize, they said it was fine but I am so embarassed. On the first day too!!!
Since the new sitter doesn't speak a word of English, I need to remember all of my Spanish.
Here are my words of today:
desempaquetar- to unpack
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Last Thanksgiving was my breaking point. It was one of the most intensely painful days of my life. It was also my 8 day old daughter's first Thanksgiving. Also the last time I spoke with her grandparents.
When we take a leap of faith and jump off a cliff, we grow wings. Spirits come to catch us, but we have to take the initiative to jump. Which is the scariest thing in the world. Perhaps that is why the distance between then and now is so great; I haven't been walking, I have been flying. Sometimes through rain, sometimes soaring through brilliant sun, but this entire year has been such an amazing journey.
So this Thanksgiving, like last year, I am alone again, except it is by choice. My feeling of gratitude is so great, there are no sufficient words.
Thank you, to all the unseen forces that have guided me, helped me, spoken to me, and given me the strength to make it to where I am right now.
Thank you to all of the physical hands that have helped me.
Thank you to my Teachers who never knew they were Teachers.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Often I feel like a complete oddball in mainstream social situations, like with co-workers. To maintain and preserve my spiritual connection and focus over the years, I have felt the need to distance from popular culture. So I just keep my mouth shut, because my framework is so different. I woudn't be able to explain my perspective even if I wanted to. Someone recently told me that finding a similar person in this city is like finding life on another planet. It's so true.
Lately I'm trying to be conscious of the thoughts I project towards others. I'm not silently nice when I'm annoyed, like on the crowded subway and that woman just cannot move her sharp cornered bag in front of her so it doesnt impale the poor soul next to her.
But I'm working on just loving people actively and silently. There is so much nastiness going around and it makes me sad. I really don't want to be a part of it.
I grew up on a steady diet of nasty sarcasm. Both my sister and my mother have very mean, nasty sarcastic streaks. Nasty sarcasm is on my hate list, actually. Yesterday my sister threw some of that nastiness my way in an email, so I just stopped emailing back. I'll get over it and I didn't speak to her about it because I just don't see the point. It's just her own shit she's throwing at me, and I don't want it. But even after all these years, it still stings.
I will NOT miss the Q10 bus though. But I've spoken to a lot of really nice strangers on the bus over this past year, and people know who I am, they recognize me from my daily routine. They like Daya.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Exactly one year ago I was in the hospital with a needle in my spine and an oxygen mask. And huge baby that was STILL stuck underneath my right ribs.
Then, right after 1pm, exactly on her due date, Daya appeared after forcible removal by c-section.
Here she is, exactly one year later, in her mop-head impish glory.
Happy Birthday Booger!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I've been bad at getting apartment work done the past few days. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but much of that might account for my morning schedule, which is thankfully only in effect until next Wednesday. It takes me an hour to get to Neashaw's house in the morning. I have been riduculously late to work, and leaving earlier, inexplicably, isn't helping.
My body aches. And I'm going to lunch tomorrow with a guy I met while getting a newspaper. I'd like to be friends but I'm not interested in anything further. I think he is. Even so it's kind of cool that someone asked me out. Whle I was looking less than presentable, no less.
But now for my Very Ugly Confession, which I admit plays a small (but not total) part in my disinterest from the Very Nice Stranger (this is where I wish I had a reader base to get some feedback on this): I am not interested in dating a black man again. That is a very terrible thing because it has racial basis, and is so uncharacteristic of me. It's nothing personal, it's just How I Feel. Illogical as it may be. I just...want distance, not feeling like I'm repeating something. It's too close to where I just came from, even though he is American. And I'm openly done with Africa.
Monday, November 06, 2006
U-Haul rented me a diesel truck with gasoline in it. It died in the middle of Queens Blvd. So after being awake for 20 hours doing hard physical labor, I had to sit in a dead truck for over 3 hours. It was cold. I made them tow it.
I have the best friends in the world, who helped me move my couple-thousand books.
A Chinese fortune cookie told me last night: the attainment of one goal is the starting point to the next. The guide lights on my road are steady, not so far-spaced as they were before.
I feel like I am turning a new page in my life. I am somewhere new. Where he has never been. I have finally moved away from the events of last year and this year. I have a real apartment, a place that I can make a home instead of having an emergency roof over my head.
And...I have a dishwasher!!!
Friday, November 03, 2006
In my most stressed and difficult moments, I take a moment to breathe and ask for help. And that always help appears, in a perfectly orchestrated symphony. I am always in awe when it happens, each and every time, and deeply grateful.
It is an amazing flow to be part of.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
See, I was up at 4am. Woke up from a dream that I was packing, and I thought I was awake. But I wasn't, which means that none of the packing that I did in my dream actually got done. So I was very bummed.
I broke my sugar-free vegan fast with a Lindt White Chocolate truffle. At around 4:10am. Oh sweet Goddess.
Then, because I really did have to come into the office today, I decided I should get dressed. Except I didnt feel like it. So I'm wearing the same (yoga) pants I wore yesterday and a little t-shirt that probably lies just outside the bounds of the dress code. And my old doc maartens. And since I didnt get dressed today, neither did Daya. She's still in her purple fleecy feet pajamas, at the sitter's house.
Some days you just have to do these things.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Today is the last day of my vegan-sugar free month. I think I need to pick a different discipline next time. Not dietary. I can do dietary discipline standing on my head, backwards, with my eyes closed. There's no challenge in it. I have actually maintained my sugar-free status and there is white chocolate in my apartment- the good quality stuff too.
Something with sleep...now that would be hard. I'll take sleep over food any time.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
I had these plans to get 2 big pumpkins...carve one all fancy like a cat, and turn the other into several fresh pies and give them away to some people I like a lot.
Apparently the crop this year was devastated by the weather. My friend said there was a pumpkin fungus... (pungus?) which doesnt sound very conducive to pie-making.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I told my landlord, and he offered me a one bedroom in his other building, for $80 more a month. Its a *huge* one bedroom. Did I say huge? Actually its bigger than the 2 bedroom and has 5 closets and a great kitchen and bathroom. And parquet floors. I tearfully have to change babysitters...the super's wife will watch Daya for $300 a month LESS than what I'm paying right now. And she's right down the hall. That almost offsets the increase in rent. There are several other factors as well (train, mail, laundry, elevator, friends close by, commute), so I am taking the one bedroom and will be moving sometime next month.
Both apartments are number 2L. I got chills when I heard that.
I am so, so, so excited to start living a decent quality of life. This is a huge upgrade for me. I'll have room for the bookshelves I desperately need. Even more importantly, I'll have a place to put Daya's clothing. And other basic furniture that I have no room for currently. Daya will have room to walk around.
And my cat will be happy.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
The ex used to speak of (in our later days) an old man that he used to see. I think it was bald. He said the old man told him to do things. In fact, he said that the old man told him told him to get rid of me.
He thought the old man was God.
When I was in the pagan group the leader, who went more and more crazy as time progressed, also referred to her primary god-figure as the Old Man. And we know how that situation turned out. (Though seriously, I wish her well. And I have nothing against Odin.)
Interesting to note that ALL patriarchial religions feature old men figures and images as godheads. I'm not going into how I feel about patriarchial religions or the awful, awful damage I see them cause, both on an individual and global level.
Early this morning I had a "visit" from a (the?) old man. It was not pleasant. I was in Grand Central and a man with long curly brown hair, dark sunglasses, and a black hat and suit was standing. He had a gold sequin-ey thing at his collar. I had Daya with me. He said "Do you like children?" I said "I like mine." Then he got a large black book with a band of gold sequins that matched his collar. He opened the book and for once, I was curious in a dream, and this book showed awful pictures of this old man's head coming out of people's chests. A bit grotesque. Then the man's face changed into that of the old man in the book. I yelled at him, called him disgusting, and I left. He started singing in a hypnotic voice to the general population, and it was broadcasting in the streets outside of the building. Another man, with long straight whitish hair, was going around singing something about save your soul, but I knew it was another face of the old man, which was interesting because they were opposites of each other.
Please someone bring in the goddess. Already.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
First the child Support people told me (three times, three different people) that serving to an international address was no problem. But it is a problem for South Africa, becaue it took me going down to court to find out they don't serve.
So I FedEx'd the papers. To the address that is in all the legal papers. The one his lawyer is using. They said it would arrive Friday. That Friday night I had a dream that he had received the package and he was talking to me about why I sent it.
This morning I got 10 voicemails, all from FedEx, left since October 6th. I just got all of them today. They said the address was incorrect. Whle I was on the phone the mailroom called saying they have my FedEx package.
My SA friend says it's definite funny business, becaue over there you can just pay the delivery guy to "take care of it". Happens all the time.
And the child support checks stopped. Which, ironically, I'm glad of since they just piss me off.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Apparently, the mix-up is over. Because now, I can dress her in green and black and people know she's a girl! Even without the requisite ponytail!
That can be a really sticky and scary thing when its just you, and there's no family to fall back on. Thankfully my fabulous amazing friends took Daya for today.
Apparently I have a backup care benefit from work, which I made sure I was actually registered for this morning. It costs a little $$, but at least its there. And it got me thinking...I leave Daya with others all the time. She's used to it and she doesn't mind. But I've only left her with 3 people she and I both know very well. Including the babysitter. And the other two practically count as one person. I'd be really scared to leave her at a daycare center. Firstly, because I don't trust them for kids under a certain age, and secondly, it would be a totally new environment with no familiar people.
I hope I never have to find out how that would go.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
"Is it better to have words left unsaid, or to have words misunderstood?"
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Earlier in the week I emailed Beth to ask if she has seen mint chapstick lately. I haven't seen it in years...I missed it. And yesterday, look what I found!
What can I say, little things make me happy.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Yesterday I felt just horrible. All achey and head-spinney and weak-feeling. Not good.
Today I still feel lousy. More sleep would be fabulous, but I can only do that when the baby sleeps.
Maybe I won't be going to Chinatown today for miso paste and glass noodles after all. Or maybe I will, dammit.
Oh, and there's SUGAR in my vegetarian bullion!!!!!
Friday, October 06, 2006
Today the Asian employee group held traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony. For many years I have had a great love and appreciation for Japanese culture. In fact, the only thing I deeply miss about my marriage is the Kenjutsu. I miss it very deeply every single day. I used to have a dojo in my apartment. I loved it very much. When I was a small child, I used to pretend I was Japanese sometimes!
For tea ceremony, I even made an allowance in my no sugar rule, since before you take the tea you have a small sweet. Oh, it was so worth it!
I invented it a few years ago. It's really easy.
Get some herbal peppermint tea, brew it strong. Mix it with hot chocolate powder. Or if you're doing stove cocoa, use it in that.
Since I'm vegan this month, I won't take my favourite Lavender Milk Bath, either.
Here's how to make it:
Get about 4 oz lavender flowers. (any herb shop should have it)
Add to boiling water and let it steep covered for 15 minutes. The water turns purple. Strain.
Get a half gallon of whole milk. If your skin gets really dry, add some heavy cream.
Fill bathtub. Pour milk/cream into the bath along with the lavender water.
This also works really well with roses.
I love love love autumn/winter!!!!!
Thursday, October 05, 2006
She took two steps this afternoon. Last night she sort-of took a half step, so I knew it would happen soon. I just really wanted to be there.
I hate hate hate that I have to leave her so much.
Perhaps this is why I have trouble connecting the mother thing in myself- because I know that I am mostly numb or buffered or something about having to leave her for most of the day every day. I dislike it very much, but I don't feel it most of the time. It would be so much worse if I did.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Last Friday morning she said her name for the first time, clearly and not attached to any gibberish. Now, when she goes on her excited yelling-babbling runs, she yells her own name out as well.
A few days ago I was thinking about a man that I used to know but haven't seen in years. As I was entering the subway at Times Square to go home yesterday, he was standing right behind me. It was great to see him. He invited me to a women's circle that his partner runs, which I will not attend. The timing of this, though, has not escaped me. October is my time of fasting, cleansing, and reconnecting with Goddess energy.
A short number of years ago that was actually two lifetimes ago, I was pretty involved in the NYC Pagan community. That was such an important phase of my life, but I have no desire or need to go back.
I have never been able to find a community that I could stay with, though I felt deeply committed to all of them. I always outgrew them. I did the Christian thing, and found it empty and lacking. Then I went to the Pagans, and found many beautiful things and many horrible things. The Interfaith Ministers community was beautiful in their way, but they, too, were so full of politics and psychobabble. Mostly I found a lot of the same things in all the communities. I respect anyone who is in any of these, or other communities, there is nothing wrong with them, but none of them are for me. This year I have been in an Alone place, and in that place I have re-connected with myself spiritually in ways I never would have in the company of others.
While I do feel often that my life has been lonely, I treasure my ability to walk alone, to explore the vastness of inner worlds, and the deep serenity and peace that I experience more often than not.
The more I learn and expand the more I realize that I know nothing. That is one of the wonders of infinity. It is an exciting Journey.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
I didn't completely say goodbye to that one thing. But I was ready to.
Before I said goodbye to that thing, I got into some serious prayer. I asked for an "unmistakeable physical sign" to tell me yes or no.
Just now I woke up a few minutes ago, just after 3am (from a very strange dream about the ex...and my recently-passed grandmother turning in her grave and it was my fault...oops..) and there was my Sign in very physical evidence right before my eyeballs. It doesnt get any more blatant than that.
I cannot, cannot mistake this in any way. It's just as obvious and direct as, well, getting smacked in the face. So, I wait.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
2. Requesting that he was there for the shot in the first place.
3. Not punching the living shit out of the ex at his lovely comments whispered in my ear while they were wheeling me in for my emergency c section.
4. Being nice to that girl right at the start of things, even when I suspected what was happening.
I've been pissed off in the last day or so, probably from dealing with the SCU stuff. What helps me, in some inexplicable way, is knowing there are others out there who have experienced similar things. And I know it could be a lot worse.
I think a lot about the conversation I will have with Daya in a few years.
I think about the letter I will write to her that is to be included with my will and guardianship papers.
I owe her the truth, even if that truth is painful for her to hear.
And she deserves to know my fault in the matter, which was nothing I did to the ex to provoke his behaviour, it was my surrender of my power to him in the first place. I enabled it to happen. That is my fault.
I am trying, really, really trying, to transcend this. But I still get pissed off. I wish it was an overnight process. *sighs*
I officially said goodbye to that other thing.
October brings cleansing. I'm going vegan and sugar-free for the entire month.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I don't like it there. The energy is bad, a thick cloud of sadness, anger, fear, impatience, tiredness, and frustration. People pulling energy from everywhere possible. I was really drained afterwards.
Some women sitting near me told me their stories. They had to tell someone, I guess. I am so sad for them.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I love autumn; this is my favourite time of year. It is also traditionally a powerful time for me. I have been dreaming all over the place for the past few nights, after a bit of a lag. This is good. I have also started meditating again daily, which wasn't planned, I just started doing it. My heart area still feels a bit "off", and my internal energy is still low, but I get small short burst here and there. Lately I feel the Goddess presence very strongly.
For the rest of this month I am preparing for October, which is "housecleaning" month- meaning fasting and stuff like that. My preparation mostly includes cleaning small bits of my apartment to have a clean environment to start everythng. This makes me thankful that my place is so tiny- less to clean!
I think I'd like to take a discipline during the month of October, probably dietary. I'm not sure what yet, because I'll be doing a bit of modified fasting. It'll probably have a lot to do with brown rice, lentils, and veggies. Maybe I'll even go vegan for a month.
Let's see what the rest of the year brings. Perhaps this outer limbo I have been in may subside.
That would be nice.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
She was kneeling on the subway, speaking. She had a beautiful voice. She was homeless. A 29 year old black women who lost her mother, daughter, and home in a fire 2 years ago. She has been homeless ever since. She was asking for food or anything at all.
I had no money or food to give her, so I just put my hand on her bony shoulder as I left the train. I wish I had something more to give her. A gesture was all I had.
This male-energy world, it's so tough on the heart.
Monday, September 18, 2006
The day after Daya was born (or the day after that?) a nurse came in to give Daya her first bath. I hadn't smelled the smell of baby shampoo in so many years, but I remembered it like yesterday. That was a very pleasant experience.
I want to give Daya happy memories that she may not even consciously remember, but that will form a deep foundation of a deep sense of contentment, peace, and well-being.
Many people have commented at how unusually happy and peaceful Daya is- she saves her mayhem-self for me. But it is true that she does have an extraordinary temperament. And though some of it is her nature, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have inner serenity (well, most of the time), and I think she picks up on that. Because, for all this year has brought me and what I have come through, I have a pretty low level of stress in general. Sometimes I slip, but then again, we're not meant to be perfect. But I do think that my mindset has a great impact on how Daya feels.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
And I honestly don't know. I have spent this year dealing with the loss of my marriage and events leading up to it, and finding myself spiritually again, and just getting through time and taking care of Daya. And being positive and finding my inner happiness. But I really haven't gone too far into the trauma that was the pregnancy and the imprints that time period left in my being.
Pregnancy was not a magical time for me, it was nothing like the way I would have wanted it- a time at the height of my feminine power, psychically connecting with the baby, basking in my womanhood. Being so connected with the Source of life. I have a deep sadness that none of my emotional memories of the pregnancy and birth are positive ones. In many ways, I feel that I actually missed the pregnancy and birth.
So I don't know if I'd do it again. Part of me would like to, to know what it is like to be loved and supported through such a delicate, vulnerable, and amazing time. To not be abandoned. Part of me says no way, and is terrified of body-memories and mind-memories that I know would surface. I know that should I ever breastfeed a child again, I'd also have some very unpleasant body-memories emerge. Even if I should have another child, though, it would never be the same. There is nothing like having your first child- not knowing anything about it, a journey into the unknown. With a second child I'd at least know what the hell I was doing. I feel in a deep way that I was robbed of something, especially because the actions by another were so *deliberately* cruel and calculated. He was planning this.
This particular issue, for me, runs very deep and I'm not actually sure how to heal from it. I've felt out of touch with my feminine energy to begin with, and this most uniquely feminine experience is laced with so much pain. I am still trying to find the celebration in it, the celebration in motherhood. Somehow I missed that, in having to deal with the other things, and I don't know how to connect with it. I need to find a way to make peace with it.
Friday, September 15, 2006
It's 6:15 pm. I still need to pick up Daya. I stopped home because I went to the post office first, and I'm carrying a bunch of stuff. So I came home to drop it all off.
The entrance to my apartment is an outside door, then a small hallway leading to my apartment. Immediately as I approached to put my key in the door, a rat came out and darted in fromt of me from the left, crossed in front of me and went behind me to the right. (It was an agouti, looked female)
While for most a rat may be a negative sign, for me it is very very positive. And that underlying thought I mentioned was EXACTLY that the rat as a symbol for me would mean something different than it would to others, because I have a personal experience and relationship with rats.
It's vey weird and unusual that a rat would dart out into the open, into the rain TOWARDS me, but that is exactly what happened.
HOW COOL IS THIS.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
What happens when Daya gets older? She's the happiest kid in the world right now, but will that stay? And if not, is it my fault?
When I get home from being gone 12 hours a day the very last thing I want to do is any kind of housework. Or work of any sort. That's bad. it would be hard to, anyhow, because Daya creeps around and demands attention. By the time she finally goes to sleep, I'm just wiped out. I hate the chaos that is my tiny apartment.
Also, I get really really sad every single morning, because now she has started to cry when I leave her. I hate it so much.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
There is a danger in being Light. You get all holy-moly. It blinds you.
I like to think of myself as a decent person, plugging along in my evolution. I like to think that I live a spiritual existence and process life in terms of spiritual lessons.
But if you put me in a pure place I think I'd look really bad. There is a lot of talk about shadow work, and I think its important. But I think it starts with self-honesty and awareness. That's hard.
The Christians like to believe that Jesus was perfect. But even in the context of their belief system, that doesn't make a bit of sense. If he was here to understand the human condition, he'd automatically be imperfect. But then, I don't subscribe to that belief system, so its irrelevant to me.
Perfection is arrogance. No one knows what the heck it is anyhow. I don't want to be perfect.
When I was a toddler I remember my mother talking to me about my soul and sin. I imagined my soul was something pristine white, and every time I sinned it left something that looked very like a tobacco stain.
I'm very back and forth in my view of humanity- parasites or pity? But I think its mch better to focus on loving, because even if it doesn't do anything it's good for your own energy.
I feel very alone lately. I'm just tired of it. That seems to be the story of my life, and I want it to change.
Often, at home, I look around me and take stock of my environment and circumstance.
Something is definitely off balance.
A deep inner voice always says, "I deserve better."
A less-deep inner voice always counters this with something opposite.
But I *do* deserve better. And I'm not squelching that voice that knows it.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
And it pissed me off.
Because I am completely on my own (read: alone with no help in any way) in all things pertaining to raising and caring for Daya, it's really easy for me to forget that others claim her as family. No one is helping me shoulder the weight of it all. That feels so weird to me. I'm not used to "sharing" her, just by circumstance. Actually, I don't feel that way towards my own family, or friends, as they have contributed towards her well-being.
But her family in South Africa? For all their words they have done NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING for her.
So I don't care what they say. I go by actions.
Now, I understand myself in relation to her in a clarity I never had before. I see her more clearly, and the honest truth is that I harbor no negativity towards her, though I doubt we will ever be close. Three days together is pushing the envelope. But I have resolve and understanding.
So here's what I've got:
The Good Stuff
*My mother is a very generous person. Her way of giving is truly from the heart, and she shows this in cooking and in shopping, much the same way that her own mother did for her. That is how she expresses love, and it is good. It is genuine.
*My mother is very creative. She enjoys making things, she likes pretty things, and she enjoys giving things she makes to others. Her mother was much the same, and my mother carries that on.
*My mother keeps track of things. This is something I get from her. For example, I know exactly how many pacifiers Daya has, what they look like, and more or less where they are. I know what "stuff" we have with us, if we are out somewhere, and I notice if something is missing. I account for everything.
The Challenging Stuff
*I had an epiphany while visiting, a perfect way to describe what has always bothered me: my mother is a micro-manager. I can't stand micro-management and I don't do well under it. I find it demeaning and humiliating. If something isn't being done her way, she'll yell and get very upset, and literally stand over you. I told her many times that just because I do something differently than her, it's not wrong. Seriously, I can't even load her dishwasher without getting yelled at. For my mother, every little thing has its place and correct way of being done. This ties into the micro-management thing. My philosophy: whatever works is great.
*My mother is ultra-sensitive and every little thing upsets her. She reacts to and stresses about everything, what has happened, including what could happen. I am exactly the opposite- I take life as it comes, and if something happens I just deal with it in that moment. I'm more of the laid back happy-go-lucky type. When I was growing up she always said to me "You just don't give a shit!" and it's true- I really don't. Life is too short to worry about such minor things, like the way things are arranged in a cabinet.
*Emotional expectations. I tried explaining this to her, but she didn't get it. Example: She cleaned the bathroom nicely before I came over, but never said anything about it, and honestly, it was a normally-clean bathroom. Very nice, but isn't that normal? I will always clean a bathroom spotless for guests and not think anything of it. That's just what you do. She was very upset that I didn't automatically acknowledge that she had cleaned it. I mean, she was really upset about that. That I "didn't give her credit where credit was due". It was her desire that I say something, she built it up in her mnd to where it became expectation, and she took it personally when that didn't happen. I tried to explain that the expectation was created in her mind of how she wanted me to behave, but she didn't get it. I said to her "Mom, I can't be what you want me to be, I can only be myself." She said something like "I wouldn't want otherwise," but clearly she was upset and just doesn't get it.
Part of my mother's shadow is her sister Carol. I don't particularly like Carol, and she doesn't like me. That's ok. But when my mother went down the list of things she can't stand about her sister, I thought to myself "you do those exact same things". When she complained at Carol for always yelling at her children...well, I didn't say anything.
The really challenging thing when I was there was that no matter how positive I was towards her, she turned it into something negative, usually aimed towards herself. I'd be just as miserable living with her today as I was growing up. The sad thing is, according to my observation, that her religious beliefs hold her back more than she will ever know. It's how she sees this life, death, etc, and it always comes back to her religion. She's not a fanatic, it's got a lot more to do with her framework of relating to self and the world around her. Really really sad. While she's not Catholic, she never did get away from the strict Catholic upbringing. If I speak in conceptual terms, she really just doesn't understand me.
So, I wish her well and will be nice to her, but don't expect long visits.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
If you are reading this you should give me the green ring because I am still mourning the loss of my favourite shirt. It is not fair for you to get both.
If you do not give me the green ring it proves that you are a cankerblossom.
Your loving sister,
Saturday, September 09, 2006
While I am so vehemently against the messages the mass media sends out, especially concerning women, I admit I have this thing about my "imperfect" post-pregnancy body. Hey, I look pretty good for a girl that had a kid- I never gained any weight and I have no stretch marks...but there are a few differences, and I worry about it. So stupid, I know.
The ex. I still have dreams. He always wants something, usually sex, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. In my dreams, I never let him touch me. I always end up leaving. I just wish it would stop. And on occasion I dream about that girl, sometimes she follows me around trying to talk to me, sometimes I just know where she is. She's always alone. I won't have anything to do with her in the dreams, either.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
But I really don't like the family. I never miss them, I see them as little as possible, and I'm not looking forward to going. I'm glad my sister will be there.
I hate all the drama. The close-mindedness. Especially the emotional drama and glomping-on, how everything has to be a major production. I just don't have the stomach or temperament for it. When I go back there, it's always like going back to sit in an old prison I escaped from years before, except the door is still open for escape. A lot of old layers are still in my being, going there just reminds me of old resonances. I have moved to different places. They never knew me at all, even when I was closer to their ways. The thing is that I have no hope or expectation of their ever being able to understand the first thing about me.
Lately I have found myself easily irritated by very little incompotencies of other people. I don't like this about myself. I am really really drained. I think I'm walking near an edge, and I'm unaware that it's even there.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
I made it through August in 2 pieces, but I'll glue one back on.
Yesterday I wondered why I wasn't getting any email at work....and today, I got all of it. No rational explanation, other than August ate all my email, then had to puke it back up 'cause it's now September.
I think I need to do some purification. I should have gotten a white 7 day candle yesterday, but I'll get it today. Do some smudging and stuff, all will be well. And work on that one thing. That's important. And frustrating.
I'm feeling much better, not great, but better.
My current quandry is if I should bother or not to try and get an increase in child support. $100 a month is an insult, not help. Ex doesn't want to give up parental rights (not that he exercises them), so he should have to take some responsibility, right? I think so. It costs me nothing to petition and go to court. The court will serve papers to any address, even an international one. All sounding good...my one issue is that I really don't want him anywhere near me or Daya, he's really and truly dangerous. But I'm thinking that there are no down-sides for me in petitioning for an increase, it's definitely more of a hassle for him. Do I want to get involved with the energy? I'm leaning more towards a yes with this, perhaps it'll give me more leverage to present him dropping parental rights again. Besides, the honest truth is that I really need the financial help. He wants rights, he needs to accept responsibility.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Add to the anti-August list the loan I paid off at the beginning of the month that still isn't reflectsd in the balance.
And I'm $400 short for rent.
Daya got a shot.
It's ok, September starts tomorrow and there's nothing August can do about it.
And I made my blog public again, not that anyone actually reads it.
UPDATE: Since August ate my metrocard in the mail, I now have to pay double in transportation for September. The commuter program can't replace it.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
"August was named for Augustus Caesar, Julius Caesar’s nephew and heir. His name means Great Caesar (his original name was Octavius). It was originally named Sextilis, for it was the considered the sixth month of the year.
The Old English name for this time period was “Weod Monath,” or, the month of weeds. "
Weed Month. I like that, except if I invent Weed Month it would probably attract a bunch of stoners and I'm not into that.
Roget's Thesaurus lists these synonyms for Weed:
Let's take Ignore and Skip and look at anagrams.
Pigeon Risk is, so far, my favourite one.
So next year I'll skip August entirely and replace it wth the Pigeon Risk Time (PRT).
I feel better already.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I was thinking about Corn Horn last night while I was practically begging Daya to please fall asleep already. Very often, Daya makes me think of how I was as a kid. I think it's important to remember that. I'm not talking about all the what happened to you as a child and stuff, I'm talking about remembering what it was like to see the world through a child's eyes and think like a kid. The flexibility and fearlessness. And the reasoning.
I remember I was very, very little sitting in a high chair, and a woman with red hair or wearing something brick-red (Aunt Barbara or Grandma Terry?) with a harsh voice was really trying to get me to eat something, and I didn't want to. I was thinking about that, remembering why I didnt't want to, but there was no other reason.
The other thing I think about a lot is Daya when she's old...like in her 60s or later. Theoretically, I might still be around when Daya is in her 60s, but then I might not be. I think about Daya being alive and me being gone, (when she's an adult) and how her life is like and what did she do when I passed on? Her world without me. When I change her diaper I think about how these days are so early, and won't even be thought of years and years from now by Daya and those around her. Daya will change so much, so quickly. Her needs from me will change. Growing up is so, so sad in many ways.
Monday, August 28, 2006
So my student loan payments went up. By a lot. Which is why I am completely, irrationally BROKE for the next 2 weeks.
Am taking financial action. Must get that payment down again. I can't afford what they're taking out. Have lowered the marriage-debt payments by a little so that'll be nice. And tomorrow first thing I'm changing my tax witholding.
Money is, of course, tied right into most people's survival nerve. Unfortunately I still fall into that category as well, but I notice that when I have a mini "oh shit" money crisis, I think about Daya, not myself.
But almost ever day I think about how I make x amount of salary, and I live in this tiny tiny place just scraping by. Something is very wrong with that, I think.
Oh yeah, it's the child-with-no-financial-help thing. I got really angry at the ex on the way home. I let myself be there occasionally, but not to stay there.
Please bring on September already. I am skipping August next year.
I cannot feel Mother energy at all. Not one bit. There is a heaviness in my heart, like a brick is stuck in there or something.
This afternoon I brewed a nice strong cup of the bitter herb. I feel something, it's...odd. And subtle. I dont know how else to describe it. But I defeinitely felt someting about halfway through the first cup...it feels like it's in the background.
This blockage I actually feel as a strong physical sensation in my heart. It's unpleasant. I'd really like it to go away.
I'm more confused than ever about that certain thing. It just makes no sense. None at all. Very very frustrating.
Universe, I demand an explanation. (Please.)
Oh, I had a Bubble War with Daya the other day. It was fun. I missed how she used to blow bubbles. She has started up again, with full force.
And she waited until just after we got home last night to expel the biggest shit-storm I have ever seen. The kind where you put the child right in the bathtub with all their clothes on. I dont know how such a little person can hold so much shit. Seriously. Goddess was looking out for me, I got home in record time. That would have been a really, really, really bad thing to happen while in transit.
And I have still never been pooped on, peed on, or puked on. Daya rocks.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I never wanted kids. I never had the biological clock thing, the thing inside that so many women seem to have, the instinct to have a baby. I never had it. I still don't. I adore Daya, I definitely have a mom instinct, and I don't have regrets, but I still often have moments where I miss having childfree freedom. I miss not having someone to consistently be concerned about, someone so close tht it would shatter your heart if anything bad should happen to them, I miss relative financial freedom. If there was no child born of my sham marriage, I would be in a very good situation financially.....kids are expensive. Especially when there is no help. I wouldn't regret not having a child, that's the truth of it.
I don't know how to be a mom. I know how to provide for my child and meet her needs, I usually know what's bothering her and what she wants, but I don't really know how to play with her, interact with her, talk to her, stuff like that.
My mother was a dismal failure when it came to fostering a good relationship with her children, yesterday and today. But she was a good provider, we had a nice house and food. It was stable as far as having a place to live was concerned. What went on in that house is another story, but even between me and goddess I can't go into one of those woe is me for my childhood episodes. I'm long past that.
The point of this s that I don't know how to relate to being a mother. My heart is blocked off from my own mother, and has been since I was at least 15, long before that, even. For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to show self-expression, any part of who I am and how I feel, in front of my mother. I still don't. Part of my heart literally feels closed off. I'm not sure how to access that blocked part. I feel it carrying over into my relationship with Daya. I don't know how to be a mother.
I love my child but I wonder if there is somethig wrong with me, am I not relating to it the way other women seem to? How much of it is my issues and how much is my circumstance? I really don't know.
Will Daya stay as happy as she is right now? Will she have sub-conscious issues because she was weaned early? Because she's been holding her own bottle since how long? Is she already too independent of me, did I force that on her too soon? I rarely hold her when I feed her, and it's been like that for a while. I hold her lots of other times though, and always when she wants to be picked up. Last week I put her in bed with me, because I missed co-sleeping, but Daya managed to take up the middle of the bed, leaving no room for me, and slept soundly while I stayed awake.
When I was in love with the ex, it felt...different. Like love overpouring all the time. I don't feel that heart energy anymore. aren't women supposed to be "in love" with their kids? How much is that my blockage and how much is it because of what I went through that drained the emotion out of me?
I don't feel a warmth in my heart when it comes to being a mom. I don't know how to relate to myself as being a mom. I feel a block......a heaviness. I'm tired. I don't know anything about kids. I don't have any help. I don't want Daya to grow up hating me.
What I know is that my energy reserves were never replaced. I had no energy to feel anything by the time Daya was born. I feel like I missed the experience. There was nothing left inside me to feel much of anything. This year has been an uphill walk all the way. I feel like a mule.
My taste of motherhood has not been a positive experience, though the child herself is wonderful. And isn't that suppsed to make the experience good? Why isn't it?
I don't want my child to be "someone I have to take care of"...I want to have a strong, good relationsho with her, I want to feel more of the joy of motherhood that others experience. Is something wrong with me? Do I just not have that intrinsic female part?
This mother thing is a strange journey. I must have many lessons to learn from it.
I always wanted a partner, a man to love and be loved by. But I find myself alone, wth a child.
I always seem to find myelf alone, doing everything alone, taking care of everything alone. It's hard, I am different than most of the people around me. I am not into the things they are into, I dont think the way they do, believe what they believe. I have been exposed to and know things they never think about, or at best wonder about. I have answers to questions most regard as mystery at best. I have found my spiritual truths and understandings, I got the answers to my questions. Where will my spiritual growth go next? I have so much spiritual understanding, in a way, and I find myself once again re-discovering how to relate to goddess and not being sure anymore. My thoughts are not the thoughts of those around me. It's lonely. I thought I found a like-minded person, really was sure of it, but it didnt pan out.
And I don't think I even believe in marriage anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it is a financial contract, that's the truth of it. Don't mix love and money. It's harder to get divorced than it is to marry. I don't want to be married. A boyfriend would be nice though, I think I'd like that.
I'm glad Daya is a girl. Sometimes I think having her around is my saving grace.
But I don't know how to replenish my mana, as it might be referred to in an RPG game. Health high, mana low.
Where can I find the Goddess? Within? Where is She?
I have just realized that despite what .... told me, I have no clue where my life is going. Maybe everything changed. I don't know. And while what .... said was wonderful, I'm not attached to it. Honestly, I don't feel much of anything. I'm too focused on just doing what I have to do.
Something's wrong, I think, but I don't know how to fix it. Or maybe nothing's wrong and I shouldn't even worry about it.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
So next week I have three days of vacation. I'm getting a massage. After I go to family court to get a stupid paper.......
*sighs* and there's another dissapearance.....but I guess I shouldnt worry about it.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The month is 8 days old and here's what's happened so far:
*Depressing news about something I've been working on.
*That disgusting heat wave.
*Defective 30 day metrocard...now I'm paying double transportation until a replacement/refund.
*UPS. There is nothing good to say about them right now.
*I sprained my toe this morning, it hurts a lot and there's not a damn thing to do about it.
*Disappearance of an important paper, meaning I have to go to Family Court over my vacation next week.
*Found out 2 close friends have/are moving out of the country.
*This entire month will be...err...a delicate financial balancing act.
Oh I guess I should stop it, things could be a lot worse. But I'm hardly ever in a bad mood, and I rarely complain, so I deserve time to bitch once and a while.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
This is from the Talmud:
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
While I don't subscribe to the restrictions of religions, especially patriarchial male-dominated ones, and the coming from the rib thing is pure nonsense, the message here is really, really beautiful and so, so true.
The other night, I saw a link somewhere to take some grammar quiz. Because I truly do love grammar quizzes, (I am a geek) I had to take it.
At the end of the quiz I was asked if I am gay, straight, or bi. Did I even question "Why am I being asked that for a grammar thing?" No! I was too focused on getting my results.
Turns out the quiz was on an online dating site, which I have no interest in whatsoever, and I ended up having to spam-block them.
But I aced the quiz. Go me.
Time returned: 12:50pm
Not too bad. In the midst of the heat wave, I can be found in the pool, then in the steam room.
I've been going to the same gym for the last 5 years. Sometimes there will be a bit of a time gap between visits, but I always go back and resume a fairly regular schedule. That gym is the one place that has remained consistent for me these years, as I have gone through some intense life stages. My oasis of familiarity, in a bizarre way. It's a bit surreal being there, remembering the thoughts I used to think in the shower, where I would be going after leaving the gym, how I have changed and circumstance around me has changed, even how my body has changed.
Now its time to visit the gym again for another life stage and add a new set of Shower Thoughts.
Note to self: please remember your hair brush next time.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Perhaps it's the heat, perhaps it's something else. I try not to think about this time last year.
Mostly, I think it's because I am so, so tired inside.
This too shall pass.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Your Normalcy Quotient is: 29 out of 100. Your quiz results make you a Marvelous Maverick. You're a maverick and don't know what the definition of normal is. That's okay because you're now part of a fascinating group of desperadoes. Wherever you ride, it's sure to be off the beaten path because it's way more fun to find the path least traveled.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Today, I got a wonderful email from them. Miu's favourite things to say are "You're cute" and "I love you".
She also sent me some wonderful drawings. (Miu loves Halloween, and the movie Nightmare Before Christmas.)
That email made me happy.
Haiku between the rats and cat:
I don't get it- Why?
Must they stay here for always?
My tail's much better
*Heee heeee heeee heeee heeee
*We're here nothing you can do!
*We don't like your tail
These rat creatures, they
make lots of noise and don't sleep
as much as they should
*Life is for living
*Lazy good-for-nothing cat
*You don't have a clue
Hey! Put that rat down!
I want to play it's my turn
Rats won't play with me
*Cat you'd better go
*and clean your fur or something
*Your play's not our play
Better than window
I can mess with them all day
with unmoving stare
*OOH it gets our nerves
*Bloody cat with glinty eyes
*You still can't reach us!
I am much cuter
I have style finess and grace
I don't fall off shelves
*You stuck-up cat you
*We saw when you fell off bed
*We are still laughing!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent person. I've given a lot to people: time, energy, and money without asking for anything in return.
I am requesting a refund for certain large amounts of energy that turned out to be for something that was defective but I did not know it was defective. So I please need all that energy refunded to me.
Anyhow, I would please like this refund of energy in the form of a large sum of cash. Immediately, or as soon as possible would be really great, via a means that does not harm anyone in any way. That would be really fabulous.
I deserve this refund because I am part of You and I do good things. I am eternal, immortal, universal and infinite, and fun to be around most of the time. My capacity for abundance is unlimited.
Thanks for the amazing things You've done for me so far, they are all appreciated, even the things I don't know about or haven't happened yet. (But I have to ask what's up with that one thing?? You know which one...) Oh, and thank you so much that Daya wasn't twins. (Do I thank You for that too often?)
You're the best.
Love and kisses,
I find myself comparing my situation to other single moms. Especially, I find myself listing the things they have that I don't. For example:
-Child support/financial help**
-Family close by that helps out
-A dwelling where the child has their own room
But I also count my own blessings. I have:
-A (tiny) roof over my head. Not a great one, and I pay way too much rent for what I've got, but it's something
-A good job that I actually like and am good at with room for growth
-My health and relative sanity
-The capacity to financially support us, without any help
-A stable environment for the child
-Gratitude that I had the strength and resources to get the hell out
See? My blessings list is longer. That's good.
I do generally keep a positive mindset, I don't like feeling sorry for myself, and I really don't believe in being a victim. I do believe in taking responsibility for my choices. Some days are really hard, but I get through it.
Also, I know nothing about babies. In fact, mine is the only one I've ever been around. I never even played with dolls as a kid, I was much too busy playing in the dirt outside and having sword fights with my sister. And drawing. So if I'm really messing things up, I haven't got a clue that's what I'm doing. But the child is happy, and healthy, so I guess its ok. I'll try and screw her up as little as possible.
**I get a pathetic amount monthly in child support that doesn't even cover the cost of a month's worth of formula. I spend monthly on the child, on average, 12 times what I get in child support. And that's just for basic necessities and the babysitter. It was worth the trade-off, though, in getting him deported. Totally and completely worth it.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
There are so many things I should have seen at the time, I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to put the pieces together. Or I didn't want to. And, I'm not trying to make excuses here but I was fogged to separate me from my own native internal intuition and knowing. I confronted him on it, he even admitted it openly, that he closed down my intuitive gifts. Said it was for my "protection". Huh?
I did get the internal warnings, though, at the milestones of the relationship. I just chose to ignore them. The things that didn't make sense, I just let them go. In June 2004, exactly one year before the shit hit the fan, I picked up the resonance of what was to happen and was quite disturbed for a while. Though I didn't know that's what it was, I can only see it looking back. I remember I had just gotten a nice large chunk of Stapelia Gigantea, and I went out after work to get a larger pot to put it in. The apartment was sunny, everything was ok, and I felt like the bottom had dropped out from my world, yet I had no context in which to place these feelings.
(Incidentally, my wonderful plant didn't survive my trauma. It was the only one I lost, and there was no physical reason for it to die. It just stopped growing and died. I miss it. )
But I digress.
To paraphrase, he said:
A. The spiritual path is a straight path, the path of darkness winds like a snake crawls.
B. No matter what you see, walk straight. I'll veer away but will always come back. Don't try to follow, just keep walking straight.
A. Marriage is the highest expression of human love.
B. When you get married, everything becomes obligation.
A. Forever and Always.
B. You stay in relationships until you don't want to anymore.
A. I still love you.
B. I can change in a split second.
A. I'll never be with anyone else but you. I have to be with you.
B. If I ever cheated on you, you'd take me back but it wouldn't be the same.
(To which I replied, "No, I wouldn't take you back." He obviously didn't take note of or believe my reaction.)
At the end of it all, I said:
"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me?"
"I don't gve a shit."
The other month I was waiting at the bus stop and a woman started complimenting me on Daya.
She told me how her daughter was in a relationship and had been for 7 years, it was going well. She wanted them to get married, for the security. I told her that marriage is no guarantee for security; my husband bailed when I was 4 months pregnant.
Better to keep the relationship and have the partnership, than to force marriage for the sake of marriage.
She then agreed.
There are two aspects to a marriage: the love/emotion part and the economic/legal part. That's a pretty volatile combination. When it works, I mean really works, it's magnificent. My Dad and Stepmom have a marriage like that.
Ideally, marriage should be a partnership of two people who are best friends and partners in all aspects of life. People who love each other enough to be committed, who are secure enough in themselves to let their partner be who they are without trying to control them or infringe on them. They are not trying to prove their love by being carbon-copies of each other. They are both strong enough and supportive enough of each other to get through the rough spots as allies, not advesaries. They take strength in each other. They trust each other. They are honest with each other. They respect each other enough to be able to disagree without hostility. They realize it doesn't have to be perfect, and that's ok.
I'd much rather be alone than be in a bad relationship.
Monday, July 10, 2006
If I'm wrong, I don't really care because the conclusion I've come to is very helpful and necessary, I think. But I don't think I'm wrong. I've been thinking about it anyhow lately, under the surface of my thoughts. It makes sense.
See, the first thing I have to really look at is the answer to this question: I've been completely fascinated with OBE and astral projection for the last, oh, 12 years or so. At various points in my life I have regularly practiced various meditations to get out. I've been out a few times consciously, but I cannot project at will and I have problems with it. Why? The real honest answer to why?
I'm chickenshit, that's why.
In my defense, I have very good reason to be chickenshit about it. I have seen and experienced some very scary stuff. At this point, though, I think it's immobilizing me from moving forward.
Every single time I have gone through my "spiritual classroom" so to speak, it's turned out to be that what I thought at first was good was actually very, very not-good. It's happened twice in a row, and both times were very scary and traumatic. I thought I knew better after the first time, but nope. I don't regret it because I learned a hell of a lot, and the second time I was fogged and by the time I realized it, it was too late...the first time I just didn't know any better. Well, the second time I also didn't know any better. But I needed to not know better in order to know better, so its ok.
I'm finding that I hold two opposites within myself: this amazing infinity of bliss and love, it is completely beyond words, and a very deep darkness of fear.
Stuie talks about the fear, in an interview he was asked how does one overcome this fear? His answer is that you don't- you just keep going. And Stuie has been through some very scary stuff too, that I don't even begin to know. That's what I love about him- he speaks very honestly about the fear, and the lonliness. I love Stu, one day I will meet him in person, when the time is right.
Wayne says that if we knew what walked beside and around us at all times, we'd never fear anything.
I think I have to work on the courage thing. I know I'll have help, that is very comforting.
I am your dream
I am the Light you will be
And I will set you free
Come follow me, follow me
The world needs more people who really, truly believe in Unicorns.
"Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven."
I was in a place that looked like the house in GA, with a woman who was a friend. There was a dead woman who wanted to see me, she gave her name as Jody Serota (someone I know and trust to be benign and of Light). Jody said I needed something. (Some other guy named Chris H... did too, but I don't know him and never saw him.) The woman I was with was going to take me to see Jody, who stayed in dead caverns off to the side of the house, but it wasn't a physical dimension. I was creeped out because, well, Jody was dead. She just wasn't actng like it.
Anyhow, aside from being scared, I didn't get the "bad" feeling I get with other entities I sometimes encounter. It was a friendly and beneficial sort of environment. Nevertheless, I was creeped out and delayed seeing Jody. I wish I wasn't scared. I went to the kitchen to get something, and I felt her before I saw her.
I saw her for a split instant, she was tall, pale, with short straight black hair and black areas for eyes. I was immediately turned facing away from her and she put her hands on my arms. I saw what looked like upside-down lightening, it felt like many volts of electricity going through my body. Her touch was very unpleasant, and I was really scared even though I knew she did not mean me harm and was there to help. I just kept thinking about her being dead.
I don't know if she did what she had to do, or if I was too freaked out to get what I was supposed to get- at any rate I was very gently put back inside my body, and I woke up gradually and without shock. Time was 4:06am.
Unlike other "encounters" I've had, I felt fine afterwards and I didn't have that creeped-out feeling at all, and no after-shock. So I know she was benign, and I wish I wasn't so scared and could stick around and see what it was all about. I think I still have "Spirit-World PTSD" from that time period a few years back. And from last summer, let's not forget that.
On the way to work this morning I was sitting at the front of the bus; someone had written "Dead Girl" on the back of the truck in front of me.
On the way to work, at Liberty Ave there was a large dead cat in the middle of the road. (That made me really, really sad. I don't like things like that.)
Update 9:53 am- R--- just stopped me in the hall to mention the movie Sixth Sense, which he just saw, he thought it was scary. I was waiting for the third thing.
Wish I knew what the hell it all means.