Thursday, October 23, 2014

Unknown Journey

So this little message....

Is not enjoying the journey part of the whole journey?  What's up with all this "unknown" stuff constantly? Why the imposition of time?

I'm tired of it.

Can't we just shake our fist at God sometimes and yell "WTF?!"


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Abrasive Days

My life is going in circles.  The same ones.  Over and over.  I do what I have to do to maintain things. I cannot seem to get beyond basic minimum maintenance.

Where is it all going?  What is the point?  

Things that could be are not.  
Things that are just repeat to no destination.  

Which is correct:  holding out in faith and hope or seeing and accepting reality in the present moment-- when the two are different?

How is it possible to be spiritually connected and still feel like this?

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


Well it's Tuesday...another day.
I was feeling very sad last night and it seeped right into my dreams.

This morning I still feel sad.

Update:  last night especially I was thinking about safety.  Jackie posted this on Facebook and I saw it when i got to work just now...

It is a nice synchronicity.

Monday, October 20, 2014


This is something Nicole and I spoke about. When you wake up in the early 3am hour (I do every morning!), remember this.

Archangel Michael - Michael is the leader of all the Archangels and is in charge of protection, courage, strength, truth and integrity. Michael protects us emotionally and psychically. He also oversees the light worker's life purpose. His chief function is to rid the earth and its inhabitants of the toxins associated with fear.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Professional Waiting

I am TERRIBLE at waiting.

Well, I was looking through some old blog posts and I found this one, which has what I have been looking for.  Because this is what I need to hear right now.

" needs to become a professional waiter. Amateur waiters wait inside their emotions, they fret and worry and pine, and they focus on what they don't have, rather than on what they do have. The professional waiter is more Zen, he or she waits inside their eternity. They sit and wait because it is in their nature to do so, nothing much moves them. They are detached from the tumbling mental scenarios usually associated with waiting. 

Professional waiting usually deals with tangible things: planes, boats and train, waiting for stuff to arrive. But beyond that there is the intangible, the unseen things we wait for. I term that 'deep waiting'. It doesn't involve logic; it is a form of waiting that asks you to hold an idea sacrosanct in your feelings knowing it will come to pass, when there is no logic of any kind to support the idea. It's a kind of spiritual waiting, a deep sense of trust in God."

-Stuart Wilde

You know what though?  I have been Deep Waiting for a really long time and I'm sick and tired of it!!!  LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Cemetery Plein Air

I love cemeteries.  They are so serene and peaceful.  And beautiful.

Here is a little 1 hour painting i did yesterday.  I forgot my painting BFF, my palette I used a stick instead, and instead of laying out all my colors at the start I just put out what I needed as I needed it.  All worked out pretty well.

I liked how the graves made a circle.

Shut Down

I shut myself down to certain things a long time ago.  It was deliberate and very conscious, and very effective.

I like being shut down.  It makes life a bit more bearable.  There are things I don't want to remember.
This does not change my capacity or ability for anything, it just numbs me out.  Puts me on pause. It's my nice enclosed bubble of life.  And that suits me just fine.

Opening my energy again is just not worth it is there is nothing to open it for, nothing to reciprocate. To be open to....well, nothing there, is too much sadness for me.

I already hold too much sadness.

There are some things I am very good at, some things I'm terrible at, and some things I just go about completely wrong and ungracefully. Although it is true that I can be extremely lazy at times, in some ways I have iron mental discipline. I am very good at that. Going vegetarian over 20 years ago started this.  I can fast with no problem, and I can get people out of my head with ongoing concentrated effort.  When I need to move on I will Move On.  When I need to shut down I will Shut Down.  It's never done lightly.  It's an end-of-the-road survival mechanism.


My wish is for some new, different life lessons.  
Gentle ones.  Positive ones.

I can't take any more emotional trauma, Well I suppose with the exception of parenting Daya and whatever comes along with that, but I hope we can bypass the really heavy stuff.  Even with teenage years approaching.  Which scares me greatly.  How will I get through?

White Artist Tape is my version of duct tape.  I use it for everything. I practically don't leave home without it.  My whole life is held together with it.  My heart is precariously held together with it. It's not that sturdy but it gets the job done.

This is great stuff

Friday, October 17, 2014


Carey sends me clouds and I send her clouds.

It's nice to have someone to send clouds to.

Carey and I are both fringe-dweller artists...we share some uncommon common interests.  She gives excellent painting critiques and excellent advice about life in general.

Carey's clouds from the other day:

My clouds from last night


Thursday, October 16, 2014

Kid Fears

Daya is a very high anxiety child.  She can also be very negative- about life in general and herself.  I truly believe this is a personality thing, as I take every opportunity I can to teach her to think positively and have a good outlook.  It is something I consciously try and be a good role model for.

Being positive was something i had to learn; maybe she just has to learn it too.  I'm trying to teach her- in this she has more advantage than I did...I had to learn the hard way, on my own through life.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my fault though because of the traumatic pregnancy.  Maybe I transferred something to her that has manifested in this negative anxiety.

Or perhaps it is just a combination of her Scorpio Sun/Pices Rising.  That is a lot of Water.

It is my job to teach her how to deal with her emotions in a healthy way.  But it gets so desperately tiring as I always have to be stronger than her.  And she is a very strong child- which I am proud of but it is hard on me all the same.  She has to know she can count on me, she has to know she is safe. She has to know that she can throw anything at me and I will not crumble and I will still love her.  How can she know that if she has to be the strong one?  I will not allow it.  So I have to be extra strong all the time and I am so tired.

Sometimes I want someone to be strong for me, for a change.
I want to rest while someone else is strong.

At one point perhaps midway through my pregnancy I was at a gathering in the park with my ex and a bunch of people from his country and a few other acquaintances.  One was a high anxiety high-strung girl.

There was a child there who came up to us.  He told us he had a Gift- he was able to see into people and know their fears.  He looked at the girl and said "Oh, you are afraid of so many things!  Wow!"

He looked at me for a minute and said, "You are afraid of babies."  I laughed and told him all new mothers are afraid of the baby thing.  I also took him aside and told him he must act responsibly with his Gift.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


"Michael's name is a reflection of that Divine Light to which our own divine spark is also akin. Michael is our guide and guardian back to the Light from which we came."

                                                       -- Rev. Steven Marshall

I'm trying.  Really hard right now.  

I am having the experience of holding too many things, juggling them precariously in a precise choreography, and suddenly it is too much and I need to drop everything.

I honestly did not think this current phase of my life would last for so long.  It has been such a long plateau.  What am I learning that I do not already know?  What am I experiencing that is helping me to grow?  

Monday, October 13, 2014

Some Life Advice

Seriously.  Sometimes I need to smack myself.

I thought I got paid this past Friday.  Nope.  I get paid this Friday.  Today i discovered I am $150 overdrawn and I AM OUT OF CAT LITTER.

Three cats poop a lot.

My BFF had my credit card until about 5 minutes ago.

Now it is raining and I'm off to get cat litter.

I do not recommend being broke and being out of cat litter at the same time.


When I went upstate in August, I met Nicole.  We connected immediately and had a wonderful chat about life stuff and spiritual stuff.  She learned things from me and I learned things from her. We are both empathic.

One of the things we spoke about was the tendency towards melancholy that we both have. It has been my experience that for whatever reason I seem to straddle two opposites.  I don't really understand why.  Nicole has the same experience.

Perhaps it is an artistic temperament thing, perhaps it is a sensitivity thing, perhaps it is a lesson in strengthening the will to be positive.  Because for me, that is something I had to learn and I still require daily practice.  Sometimes I am so in the zone it is easy, and sometimes it is far more difficult.

But it is true that I am emotionally tapped out.  My internal reserves are still gone.  In general I do take good care of myself, I have good friends, I like my job, I have my art.  I meditate.  I am kind to myself.

So I don't know why I have this internal exhaustion.  I cannot think of anything more to do that I'm not already doing.  It is just enough to keep me afloat.

 I don't think as immense spirits housed in such small bodies we are meant to be 100 percent comfortable.

                                                                        -Nicole Sansone

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Battle of Wills

When my child engages me in a battle of wills, as tired and exhausted and NOT IN THE MOOD as I am, I have to show her that I am in charge.  I hate it.  I will not allow my child to overpower me.  I hate pissing contests.  I thought we were past this shit when she stopped being a toddler.

Almost nine years of doing this all by myself...I am so exhausted I am completely numbed out to pretty much everything.  I can't feel anything.

I'm just having an abrasive overwhelming moment.  Since there is no one else to check myself against, and i have no close family relations to ask, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing after all.

Maybe I am just messing everything up.

I am so tired, and so alone and it has been going on for so long I can't even feel it anymore.  And there is still such a long road ahead.....

In Time

Men visst eg veit ein morgon renn
då dødens natt skal enda.
Min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Closer To Fine

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. 

-Indigo Girls

Friday, October 10, 2014

Sort-Of Vacation

I am off work until next Tuesday.  Time to make serious progress in the Apartment Re-Org.

Am genuinely trying to change the way I feel about doing housework and apartment stuff....


UPDATE: check this out for synchronicity!  Just now on my Facebook timeline!

Your angel card for today is
Archangel Michael~ "In every moment, there is a personal atmosphere of energy around you. Your thoughts, emotions and your beliefs determine the reality you perceive and experience. You may ask for signs from the spiritual realm and yet, without attuning yourself to receive this vibrational energy signature of spirit, if you are still focused solely in the physical realm, much of the communication will be missed. You are accustomed to filtering out much of the spiritual realms and the personal atmospheres of others. You only perceive and experience those that are in vibrational resonance with your own. The personal atmosphere you vibrate with, indeed, has a direct impact on that which you will perceive, and on that which is drawn into your experience on a personal and collective scale.

Your vibrational energy signature intermixes with the collective consciousness always. And so this is why you, the individual, hold the power, hold the key to transform and to realign humanity and earth with the spiritual truth, with the divine realms of cooperation, compassion, and co-creation centered in love, in peace, and in gratitude. And so to attune yourself to the spiritual vibrations of truth and healing, peace and love, we begin by inviting you to relax, and to let go of focus upon your physical senses, to enter into still, calm, focused awareness. Focused upon spiritual vibration, and upon infusing your personal atmosphere, your energetic signature with Divine."

And then this:  I have always heard this song exactly when I needed to.  For many years.  This is a lovely version,

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Just One Thing

All I have to say is......that when you call on Archangel Michael he shows up.  And he is NOT subtle.

It is wonderful, tangible, and powerful.

My gratitude is endless.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Divine Protection

From this page

Whenever you are in doubt, call upon Archangel Michael and he will help you remember your purpose, realign with your passions, and helps you live life more fully and vibrantly. He can encourage you, support you, give confidence, bring clarity, and help you to find the courage to move into the direction of your dreams.

Because Archangel Michael is seen as the protector, he is often sent by God to help people in crisis or emergencies.  He is a clear communicator, so it can happen you hear him in your mind or just have a gut feeling. His presence can be felt by a warm feeling of unconditional love, or by seeing bright flashes of light.

Michael is Earth’s representative of the all-encompassing strength of the Divine. He is the Spiritual force that helps us create a healthy foundation that gives stability and strength.

Here is Sharon's message today, I love it.

Tuesday, October 07, 2014


I am feeling much better.

Sometimes it just takes a while for things to work their way through me.

Although it is true that I am still underwater, I am floating very peacefully.  I am going to stay here for a while because it is very pleasant.  I feel connected.  I need silence.

And I need to paint.  I'm collecting an image but it is not fully formed yet.  So I am waiting.

Monday, October 06, 2014


I am finally at a place where I will just let life be without expecting anything. The way things will be is not up to me. The weekend was difficult and I am still putting myself in order.  And I am battling off a minor head cold.

My dearest friends have been hurt because I have been so closed off and touchy. Not myself.  I feel very badly about this; it was never my intention to hurt anyone.  They don't understand because I haven't told them.  I haven't wanted to talk. I haven't been able to talk.  I have been overwhelmed, confused, and out of sorts.  And very, very deep underwater.

Sometimes when I go through things I have to go very deep within myself to sit with situations and figure them out.  I am a deeply internal person. This can make me un-grounded and send the wrong message to people.  It is very dark down here.

When I am that deep underwater communication to the surface gets distorted.  Especially to the people who don't realize I am that deep under. People have a disfigured, distorted and unclear vision of me, and that upsets me greatly because I have been through hell and have been feeling like a terrible mess. And the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt the people I love most deeply.

But that is where I have to go to find my own inner clarity and process, and connect spiritually.

I am still underwater.  I'm not ready to fully emerge just yet.

I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally
I guess I'm an underwater thing, liquid running
There's a sea secret in me it's plain to see it is rising
But I must be flowing liquid diamonds
                                                               -Tori Amos

Sunday, October 05, 2014


I am your dream
I am the love you will be
And I will set you free
Come follow me, follow me

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Friday, October 03, 2014

Dear God and Guides and Angels

Dear God and Guides and Angels,

I know I can be a real pain in the ass.  I don't listen very well, I am stubborn, and when I am upset I get very upset at all of You especially.  And I am impatient,  And snarky. And short-sighted.  But those are the problems with being human.

Thanks for being so understanding, even when I am not.


Thursday, October 02, 2014

Triple Grid

I did not mention yesterday that October, for me, is Archangel Michael month.  S/He came to me in a very tangible dream last October.  It was very profound with an absolutely tangible Presence for a few days afterward.

Right now especially I need to keep Archangel Michael very close.

And I need to start doing the Triple Grid regularly.

I learned how to do the Triple Grid many years ago.  It is very effective and I haven't invoked one for several years.  Shame on me.

This is the Triple Grid.  It can be used for any location remote or physical.

"Legions of Michael: grid level one, spherical, my house. (*or other location) 
Destroyer Force Angels: grid level two, spherical, my house. 
Circle Security: grid level three, spherical, my house.

"Destroyer Force Angels: please spin your grid, spinning out astral entities, adverse electromagnetic frequencies, fear, disharmony, anger, adverse astrological influences, expectation, frustration, viruses, fungi, bacteria, worry, astral distortions, miscommunication, sadness, enemy patterning, scarcity, loneliness, karmic monads, and anything that distorts the spiritual signature or clear communication with Spirit. Spin out anything that hasn't been mentioned in this or any other language, but which you know needs to leave the space at this time." (These are just a few suggestions. Fill in whatever is needed according to your situation).

When the clearing feels complete, continue with, "Reverse spin, same stuff." When that feels complete, end with, "Stop spin. Thank you."

"Legions of Michael, please infuse your grid with the energies of Grace, Purity, Faith, Hope, Peace, Liberty, Harmony, Love, Mercy, Alpha/Omega, Rapture and Victory Elohim. Infuse with love, intimacy, the Unified Chakra, being centered, clarity, full connection with Spirit, tolerance, clear communication, health, wealth, following Spirit without hesitation, mastery, sovereignty, living Heaven, and anything else that hasn't been mentioned in this or any other language, but which you know needs to be in the space at this time. Please seal your grid. Thank you." (Again more suggestions. Fill in whatever you need, according to your situation.)

"Circle Security, realign your grid to harmonize with upper-dimensional gridworks. Release all distortions and parasites on the grids. Infuse frequencies for clearer communication with Spirit. Seal grid. Thank you."

More info is here.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014


I don't know what kind of help and guidance to ask for so I will just ask for Presence.


Yesterday got all straightened out and resolved.  All is well.

And it is October.  Let's see what this month brings.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014


I am absolutely LIVID at my child today.  That lovely bratty stunt she pulled at the bus stop this morning is NOT impressive.  So I went home and took all her electronic devices to work with me.  HAHA little surprise when she gets home from school.....

Don't fuck around with your mother, kid.


Sharon had something nice to say this morning:

Quoting for emphasis:

If you do not intend to bring something positive to my life, feel free to remove hard feelings.

If you are staying, let's rock out!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Another Monday

It is Monday again...I am making excellent progress on feeling better.  It takes a real concentrated mental effort but I'm starting to see results.

This week brings in October, and it is also the last full week i have to work for the rest of the year!  With all my vacation time saved up, I will be taking off all Fridays.

So I need to get some more panels as I am running out.....

Saturday, September 27, 2014


I'm supposed to go to a BBQ today with my friends and all i want to do is stay home and hide from the world.  Everything is too much and overwhelming.

I don't know how long it will take me to feel right, but it does not seem like it will be today.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Some Thoughts This Morning

It has been said many times that thoughts create reality, and by changing our thoughts we change our life, And also the wisdom of if you remain the same you will always get the same out of life, or however the saying goes.

Part of our spiritual journey though life, I believe, is the willingness to change, embrace new experiences, battle fear with love, better ourselves, and undo old habits and patterns that are negative or no longer serve us.

So I want an answer to this:

When one takes a risk, believes in positive outcomes and positive change, and is willing to act on it despite the fear, and all that happens is a huge nasty slap in the face, how am I supposed to believe anything different than my already over-reinforced beliefs based on life experiences?

How am I supposed to trust that all is well and life is working for a higher good? How am I supposed to trust and believe in anything except my own experiences?

Because the overwhelming message I am getting is that letting my guard down is a very bad idea, that being closed off and self-protected is really the only way to go.

I don't even trust God right now, I suppose that is pretty much exactly opposite of what is right, that we are supposed to trust more during difficult moments, but I need a break already, from everything.  It is too much. Perhaps I am too sensitive but that is my nature and that's how God made me.

I feel very deeply, for better or for worse.  Though I am far from perfect- or even acceptable- I honestly do consciously try my best- but- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY.

I am calling bullshit on this, thinking and doing differently still gets you exactly what you have always gotten!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Always the Same

I am just so damn sick and tired.......of absolutely everything.

Monday, September 22, 2014

A Perfect Definition

I have been looking for a good simple definition of unconditional love for years...especially in the time several years ago when I was trying to sort it out.

Here it is!

“Regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.” 

From this excellent short article.

Isn't that lovely?