Thursday, October 30, 2014

I Can't Pray My Way Through or Around It

I'm really in a quandary lately about things we can and can't control.  And I mean this in the context of our own connections, feelings and reactions.  What we feel.  Feelings that just move themselves in with no invitation. And won't go away.

There is so much talk and emphasis on change your thoughts change your life,  And how we are in control of our reality (true!) thoughts (true!) and actions (true!)-- and having a spiritual solution to every problem.

But what about certain feelings and reactions?  The things we feel and may or may not act upon depending on what is appropriate?  Feelings that are constantly there getting in the way?

I consider myself to be a reasonably mentally and emotionally mature adult.  I am very self-aware.  I am friends with myself.  I have done a LOT of conscious work on myself through the years to get to where I am, and I continue to do this work. 

But what happens when we feel something and no matter what we just cannot make it go away?  I do not understand how I am not in control of this, but it seems like I am not. 

I am used to the mindset that I CAN control my thoughts and reactions, and I recognize when feelings just need to work their way through me in their own time.  And that is ok.   But there are feelings I do not want.  I ignore it, do not feed it, and it just refuses to die.  I actively try to kill it and STILL it refuses to die. I seek spiritual assistance and clarity and yet nothing changes.  How is this possible? This angers me.  Not anger towards myself or another person- more towards God and life in general.

Because there seems to be no point or purpose.  I had a chat with Jenn about it as she has gone through the same thing.  She understands.  She did not see and still does not see the point of her own experience.  Which is incredibly disheartening, but true to life.  She says there are some things even about our own selves that are beyond our control.  And it really sucks.  I don't like that there is an inner state of being about myself that I can't control.  I don't know what to do with this.  It is almost like it is a living thing. I maneuver around it for the most part, but I always feel its presence.

I want it to go away and I don't know how to make it go away or process it or move it out of my energy system.




I need to do a post on conflicting inspiration, guidance, and spiritual messages because they are everywhere.  That might take me a little while to do, as I need to collect various sundries and assemble them.

**************


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

So, Today

I was planning on coming in to work early because work blew right the %#%( up this week...I went to sleep early last night and could. not. sleep.  I might have finally fallen asleep around 4am.  I had some disturbing strange, very sad dreams, then it was time to wake up.

Isis did not want to snuggle with me.

While I was making Daya's lunch this morning the jelly jar smashed on the floor.  I didn't have time to clean it so my kitchen floor is covered in cherry jelly and broken glass which went flying everywhere.  I'm praying the cats stay away...I moved their food and water....

On the subway the strange guy sitting next to me fell asleep...on me...but at least he apologized.

I actually had breakfast this morning.  The man in front of me was having trouble with his card so I bought his breakfast.  My random act of kindness is accomplished.

Also, for the last week I thought I was turning a whole year older than I actually am.
Superstar me.  I don't even know how old I am anymore.

Today I have to stay late at work to finish someone else's mess of a project that is due.

I can't help but reflect on life on my birthday, and today I feel overwhelmed and lost.  Like I went wrong somewhere in life.  But I don't know what I would- or could- have done differently.

This age-year, and 2014 in general- has been an extremely strange and uncomfortable year.  Not in a good way either.

Perhaps, yes, in hindsight there is one thing I would have done differently this year but it is too late now.  But I could not have possibly known.

*****
This is sort-of a repeat image but LOOK!  It moves!


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Cult of Special People

Daya was in a little play this morning.  She was the main character, and she was BEYOND AWESOME. And so was everyone else.  Here she is with her best friend Braden.



The play was part of her school's morning assembly as part of a literacy campaign.  Which is also awesome.

HOWEVER.....at the start of the assembly the school officials must have spent an entire 15 minutes telling the children how SPECIAL they all are.  SPECIAL and UNIQUE.  Over and over ad nauseum.  Oh, and when they were done they mentioned as an afterthought that others are special and unique too.

Let's celebrate how SPECIAL we all are!  Because, you know, you are SPECIAL!  Don't forget YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!  Did we mention YOU ARE SPECIAL?  Make sure you remember how SPECIAL you are!

STOP IT ALREADY SCHOOLS!!!!!!

Seriously, STOP IT.

Kids in this country already have such a MASSIVE sense of entitlement with no respect for either themselves or anyone else.  Because they are SO SPECIAL.

Telling our kids how SPECIAL they are all the time is not really a good way to boost self esteem.  It is, however, a great way to boost ENTITLED EGOTISTICAL NARCISSISM.

Education fail.

I tell Daya that the world does not revolve around her- she is part of the world.  She is not any more SPECIAL than anyone else.

This SPECIAL thing is just so unhealthy on all levels.  It's like the junk food of self-esteem.

Carey pointed me to the "You are Not Special" graduation speech.  I'm sending it to the principal.

****************

Monday, October 27, 2014

Irrational Scorpio Girls

I think the preteen junk is starting.

I do not think I will survive it.  I also don't think I can pray my way through it.

Does anyone have a preteen emergency kit?

Can mothers be killed from the effects of too much crazy unnecessary drama?

Because I AM ALLERGIC TO DRAMA.


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Mostly OK I Think

I really am mostly ok.......I think........

Or at least I am mostly certain I will be ok, and that is just as important.

Yes I know my blog has been a bit heavy these days.  But it really has been helpful for me to sort myself out.

Lisa is right about me needing help though.  I do need help- with paying the bills (stupid rent increase %;#*(;^#), housework, dealing with Daya, and all the little things that just add up.

And sometimes we all need someone right here and now, in the present, to hold us up, even for just a few minutes.

However, I do not have help with any of those things, nor do I see this changing.  So I make due and get through as we women have done since the beginning of time.  Even though it takes its toll on us.

My goal is to avoid total erosion of my spirit.

That being said, I do have a lot to be grateful for, which brings to mind Nicole's Gratitude List.  Here are some Major Things I am grateful for, in no particular order:

My health, Daya's health, a roof over our heads, my job, oil paint, pastels, tea, my friends, meditation, my inner strength, living in NYC.  It is a wonderful thing to know you are living in the right place.

************
Parenting is seriously the hardest thing in the universe.  In some ways it gets easier as Daya gets older and in some ways it gets much harder.

She will be 9 in a few weeks.  She is very independent, more so than any other child I know of at her age.  I have been coaching her on streets and navigation and strangers and safety since kindergarten.

She can take the school bus home and walk home alone, and stay home alone.  She can take the MTA bus from school to her dance studio by herself.  This is not something I talk about a lot as basically no one else lets their kids do these things alone and they think I'm crazy, but I know, really know- it is ok.  And it has been absolutely fine.

Jackie said something the other week to me that really meant a lot- she said "don't let anyone tell you she is too young- it depends on the kid."  And I really value Jackie's support.  She has raised two kids completely by herself and is a Queens native.  It meant a lot to me that she said that, instead of the fear everyone else throws at me.

I'm not careless, I have simply taken the time to teach my daughter some Life Skills and I know she is capable and trustworthy.

The downside of it is that she thinks she knows absolutely EVERYTHING.  But that is for another post.


Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Saturday Morning Post

It seems like the more I try and be positive, and do all the things I am supposed to, the odds just keep getting stacked higher and higher against me.

Life has become a series of things I have to do and get through.  While I am not prone to worrying, I am prone to feeling too weighed down.


Friday, October 24, 2014

Sei He Ki

Because we all need Sei He Ki



To help us with this:


And Archangel Michael helps with this too.


Thursday, October 23, 2014

Unknown Journey

So this little message....



Is not enjoying the journey part of the whole journey?  What's up with all this "unknown" stuff constantly? Why the imposition of time?

I'm tired of it.

Can't we just shake our fist at God sometimes and yell "WTF?!"

********

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Abrasive Days

My life is going in circles.  The same ones.  Over and over.  I do what I have to do to maintain things. I cannot seem to get beyond basic minimum maintenance.

Where is it all going?  What is the point?  

Things that could be are not.  
Things that are just repeat to no destination.  

Which is correct:  holding out in faith and hope or seeing and accepting reality in the present moment-- when the two are different?

How is it possible to be spiritually connected and still feel like this?





Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tuesday

Well it's Tuesday...another day.
I was feeling very sad last night and it seeped right into my dreams.

This morning I still feel sad.


*************
Update:  last night especially I was thinking about safety.  Jackie posted this on Facebook and I saw it when i got to work just now...

It is a nice synchronicity.


Monday, October 20, 2014

3am

This is something Nicole and I spoke about. When you wake up in the early 3am hour (I do every morning!), remember this.



*********
Archangel Michael - Michael is the leader of all the Archangels and is in charge of protection, courage, strength, truth and integrity. Michael protects us emotionally and psychically. He also oversees the light worker's life purpose. His chief function is to rid the earth and its inhabitants of the toxins associated with fear.


Sunday, October 19, 2014

Professional Waiting

I am TERRIBLE at waiting.

Well, I was looking through some old blog posts and I found this one, which has what I have been looking for.  Because this is what I need to hear right now.

"...one needs to become a professional waiter. Amateur waiters wait inside their emotions, they fret and worry and pine, and they focus on what they don't have, rather than on what they do have. The professional waiter is more Zen, he or she waits inside their eternity. They sit and wait because it is in their nature to do so, nothing much moves them. They are detached from the tumbling mental scenarios usually associated with waiting. 

Professional waiting usually deals with tangible things: planes, boats and train, waiting for stuff to arrive. But beyond that there is the intangible, the unseen things we wait for. I term that 'deep waiting'. It doesn't involve logic; it is a form of waiting that asks you to hold an idea sacrosanct in your feelings knowing it will come to pass, when there is no logic of any kind to support the idea. It's a kind of spiritual waiting, a deep sense of trust in God."


-Stuart Wilde

You know what though?  I have been Deep Waiting for a really long time and I'm sick and tired of it!!!  LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!


Saturday, October 18, 2014

Cemetery Plein Air

I love cemeteries.  They are so serene and peaceful.  And beautiful.

Here is a little 1 hour painting i did yesterday.  I forgot my painting BFF, my palette knife...so I used a stick instead, and instead of laying out all my colors at the start I just put out what I needed as I needed it.  All worked out pretty well.

I liked how the graves made a circle.




Shut Down

I shut myself down to certain things a long time ago.  It was deliberate and very conscious, and very effective.

I like being shut down.  It makes life a bit more bearable.  There are things I don't want to remember.
This does not change my capacity or ability for anything, it just numbs me out.  Puts me on pause. It's my nice enclosed bubble of life.  And that suits me just fine.

Opening my energy again is just not worth it is there is nothing to open it for, nothing to reciprocate. To be open to....well, nothing there, is too much sadness for me.

I already hold too much sadness.

*******
There are some things I am very good at, some things I'm terrible at, and some things I just go about completely wrong and ungracefully. Although it is true that I can be extremely lazy at times, in some ways I have iron mental discipline. I am very good at that. Going vegetarian over 20 years ago started this.  I can fast with no problem, and I can get people out of my head with ongoing concentrated effort.  When I need to move on I will Move On.  When I need to shut down I will Shut Down.  It's never done lightly.  It's an end-of-the-road survival mechanism.

*******

My wish is for some new, different life lessons.  
Gentle ones.  Positive ones.

I can't take any more emotional trauma, Well I suppose with the exception of parenting Daya and whatever comes along with that, but I hope we can bypass the really heavy stuff.  Even with teenage years approaching.  Which scares me greatly.  How will I get through?

White Artist Tape is my version of duct tape.  I use it for everything. I practically don't leave home without it.  My whole life is held together with it.  My heart is precariously held together with it. It's not that sturdy but it gets the job done.


This is great stuff





Friday, October 17, 2014

Clouds

Carey sends me clouds and I send her clouds.

It's nice to have someone to send clouds to.

Carey and I are both fringe-dweller artists...we share some uncommon common interests.  She gives excellent painting critiques and excellent advice about life in general.

Carey's clouds from the other day:



My clouds from last night





************


Thursday, October 16, 2014

Kid Fears

Daya is a very high anxiety child.  She can also be very negative- about life in general and herself.  I truly believe this is a personality thing, as I take every opportunity I can to teach her to think positively and have a good outlook.  It is something I consciously try and be a good role model for.

Being positive was something i had to learn; maybe she just has to learn it too.  I'm trying to teach her- in this she has more advantage than I did...I had to learn the hard way, on my own through life.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my fault though because of the traumatic pregnancy.  Maybe I transferred something to her that has manifested in this negative anxiety.

Or perhaps it is just a combination of her Scorpio Sun/Pices Rising.  That is a lot of Water.

It is my job to teach her how to deal with her emotions in a healthy way.  But it gets so desperately tiring as I always have to be stronger than her.  And she is a very strong child- which I am proud of but it is hard on me all the same.  She has to know she can count on me, she has to know she is safe. She has to know that she can throw anything at me and I will not crumble and I will still love her.  How can she know that if she has to be the strong one?  I will not allow it.  So I have to be extra strong all the time and I am so tired.

Sometimes I want someone to be strong for me, for a change.
I want to rest while someone else is strong.

********
At one point perhaps midway through my pregnancy I was at a gathering in the park with my ex and a bunch of people from his country and a few other acquaintances.  One was a high anxiety high-strung girl.

There was a child there who came up to us.  He told us he had a Gift- he was able to see into people and know their fears.  He looked at the girl and said "Oh, you are afraid of so many things!  Wow!"

He looked at me for a minute and said, "You are afraid of babies."  I laughed and told him all new mothers are afraid of the baby thing.  I also took him aside and told him he must act responsibly with his Gift.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Name

"Michael's name is a reflection of that Divine Light to which our own divine spark is also akin. Michael is our guide and guardian back to the Light from which we came."

                                                       -- Rev. Steven Marshall



************
I'm trying.  Really hard right now.  

I am having the experience of holding too many things, juggling them precariously in a precise choreography, and suddenly it is too much and I need to drop everything.

I honestly did not think this current phase of my life would last for so long.  It has been such a long plateau.  What am I learning that I do not already know?  What am I experiencing that is helping me to grow?  

Monday, October 13, 2014

Some Life Advice

Seriously.  Sometimes I need to smack myself.

I thought I got paid this past Friday.  Nope.  I get paid this Friday.  Today i discovered I am $150 overdrawn and I AM OUT OF CAT LITTER.

Three cats poop a lot.

My BFF had my credit card until about 5 minutes ago.

Now it is raining and I'm off to get cat litter.

I do not recommend being broke and being out of cat litter at the same time.




Nicole

When I went upstate in August, I met Nicole.  We connected immediately and had a wonderful chat about life stuff and spiritual stuff.  She learned things from me and I learned things from her. We are both empathic.

One of the things we spoke about was the tendency towards melancholy that we both have. It has been my experience that for whatever reason I seem to straddle two opposites.  I don't really understand why.  Nicole has the same experience.

Perhaps it is an artistic temperament thing, perhaps it is a sensitivity thing, perhaps it is a lesson in strengthening the will to be positive.  Because for me, that is something I had to learn and I still require daily practice.  Sometimes I am so in the zone it is easy, and sometimes it is far more difficult.

But it is true that I am emotionally tapped out.  My internal reserves are still gone.  In general I do take good care of myself, I have good friends, I like my job, I have my art.  I meditate.  I am kind to myself.

So I don't know why I have this internal exhaustion.  I cannot think of anything more to do that I'm not already doing.  It is just enough to keep me afloat.

 I don't think as immense spirits housed in such small bodies we are meant to be 100 percent comfortable.

                                                                        -Nicole Sansone




Sunday, October 12, 2014

Battle of Wills

When my child engages me in a battle of wills, as tired and exhausted and NOT IN THE MOOD as I am, I have to show her that I am in charge.  I hate it.  I will not allow my child to overpower me.  I hate pissing contests.  I thought we were past this shit when she stopped being a toddler.

Almost nine years of doing this all by myself...I am so exhausted I am completely numbed out to pretty much everything.  I can't feel anything.

I'm just having an abrasive overwhelming moment.  Since there is no one else to check myself against, and i have no close family relations to ask, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing after all.

Maybe I am just messing everything up.

I am so tired, and so alone and it has been going on for so long I can't even feel it anymore.  And there is still such a long road ahead.....

In Time

Men visst eg veit ein morgon renn
då dødens natt skal enda.
Min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna.



Saturday, October 11, 2014

Closer To Fine

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. 

-Indigo Girls


Friday, October 10, 2014

Sort-Of Vacation

I am off work until next Tuesday.  Time to make serious progress in the Apartment Re-Org.

Am genuinely trying to change the way I feel about doing housework and apartment stuff....


*****************

UPDATE: check this out for synchronicity!  Just now on my Facebook timeline!

Ask-Angels.com


Your angel card for today is
YOUR PERSONAL ATMOSPHERE
Archangel Michael~ "In every moment, there is a personal atmosphere of energy around you. Your thoughts, emotions and your beliefs determine the reality you perceive and experience. You may ask for signs from the spiritual realm and yet, without attuning yourself to receive this vibrational energy signature of spirit, if you are still focused solely in the physical realm, much of the communication will be missed. You are accustomed to filtering out much of the spiritual realms and the personal atmospheres of others. You only perceive and experience those that are in vibrational resonance with your own. The personal atmosphere you vibrate with, indeed, has a direct impact on that which you will perceive, and on that which is drawn into your experience on a personal and collective scale.

Your vibrational energy signature intermixes with the collective consciousness always. And so this is why you, the individual, hold the power, hold the key to transform and to realign humanity and earth with the spiritual truth, with the divine realms of cooperation, compassion, and co-creation centered in love, in peace, and in gratitude. And so to attune yourself to the spiritual vibrations of truth and healing, peace and love, we begin by inviting you to relax, and to let go of focus upon your physical senses, to enter into still, calm, focused awareness. Focused upon spiritual vibration, and upon infusing your personal atmosphere, your energetic signature with Divine."



And then this:  I have always heard this song exactly when I needed to.  For many years.  This is a lovely version,

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Just One Thing

All I have to say is......that when you call on Archangel Michael he shows up.  And he is NOT subtle.

It is wonderful, tangible, and powerful.

My gratitude is endless.


Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Divine Protection

From this page

Whenever you are in doubt, call upon Archangel Michael and he will help you remember your purpose, realign with your passions, and helps you live life more fully and vibrantly. He can encourage you, support you, give confidence, bring clarity, and help you to find the courage to move into the direction of your dreams.

Because Archangel Michael is seen as the protector, he is often sent by God to help people in crisis or emergencies.  He is a clear communicator, so it can happen you hear him in your mind or just have a gut feeling. His presence can be felt by a warm feeling of unconditional love, or by seeing bright flashes of light.

Michael is Earth’s representative of the all-encompassing strength of the Divine. He is the Spiritual force that helps us create a healthy foundation that gives stability and strength.




********
Here is Sharon's message today, I love it.


Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Peaceful

I am feeling much better.

Sometimes it just takes a while for things to work their way through me.

Although it is true that I am still underwater, I am floating very peacefully.  I am going to stay here for a while because it is very pleasant.  I feel connected.  I need silence.

And I need to paint.  I'm collecting an image but it is not fully formed yet.  So I am waiting.


Monday, October 06, 2014

Underwater

I am finally at a place where I will just let life be without expecting anything. The way things will be is not up to me. The weekend was difficult and I am still putting myself in order.  And I am battling off a minor head cold.

My dearest friends have been hurt because I have been so closed off and touchy. Not myself.  I feel very badly about this; it was never my intention to hurt anyone.  They don't understand because I haven't told them.  I haven't wanted to talk. I haven't been able to talk.  I have been overwhelmed, confused, and out of sorts.  And very, very deep underwater.

Sometimes when I go through things I have to go very deep within myself to sit with situations and figure them out.  I am a deeply internal person. This can make me un-grounded and send the wrong message to people.  It is very dark down here.

When I am that deep underwater communication to the surface gets distorted.  Especially to the people who don't realize I am that deep under. People have a disfigured, distorted and unclear vision of me, and that upsets me greatly because I have been through hell and have been feeling like a terrible mess. And the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt the people I love most deeply.

But that is where I have to go to find my own inner clarity and process, and connect spiritually.

I am still underwater.  I'm not ready to fully emerge just yet.

I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally
I guess I'm an underwater thing, liquid running
There's a sea secret in me it's plain to see it is rising
But I must be flowing liquid diamonds
                                                         
                                                               -Tori Amos


Sunday, October 05, 2014

I AM

I am your dream
I am the love you will be
And I will set you free
Come follow me, follow me
-Cecilia


Saturday, October 04, 2014

Friday, October 03, 2014

Dear God and Guides and Angels

Dear God and Guides and Angels,

I know I can be a real pain in the ass.  I don't listen very well, I am stubborn, and when I am upset I get very upset at all of You especially.  And I am impatient,  And snarky. And short-sighted.  But those are the problems with being human.

Thanks for being so understanding, even when I am not.

Love,
J