Friday, December 19, 2014

Death Energy

It sounds scary and in general it IS scary but life and death are inseparably intertwined.  Death is not just about someone crossing over out of this physical life.

Bringing Death Energy into outdated situations, mindsets, and Life Experiences is sometimes necessary.  Especially if we can do it consciously.  Because Death of some sort must---absolutely MUST happen in order to move on.

This means Change and that is Scary.  Fear is not my problem though.  I do have courage on my side.  It's the sadness that gets me every time.

I discovered that I have been going through another death cycle.  It really, truly sucks but it is also really, truly ok.  Now, at least.  I wasn't ok for a while there.  While I really don't understand all the workings of it, that's what happened and it is actually a good thing.  It really could have gone one of two ways, one surely better than the other, but the energy shift is the same.

The Enough is Enough place I reached where something just burned out, while unpleasant, had to happen.  I stopped at that place for a little while because I didn't know where to go.  I didn't know how to go.  I didn't know what was going on.  It was a dark, deeply hopeless place.  I believe this is what my Guides were trying to tell me with the story of Job. Taking it symbolically as a Journey.  Reaching that place of utter hopeless despair, losing faith- reconnecting with it- and positive energy comes back.  And my energy has shifted.

I truly do see myself as strong.  And my turning point was when I chose to reclaim and use my personal power rather than staying stuck.  Because my personal power is something I am simply not willing to relinquish.

I have officially put in a request for re-enrollment in the School of Life on Earth- but with different lessons.  Very specific ones.  And I know why, too.  So now I wait.  I still feel a little scared that I will get back to the same place again but I really do feel different internally.  The choice of where to go is mine but what I am not going to worry about is sorting out the details. That is not handled by me.  Thank goodness.

This is also very good timing as we are in the season of death and the Birth of Light is coming up on the Solstice next week.  So, it's a powerful time for birthing new energy.

Death Therapy

And the really stupid thing about this is that I still feel sad!  It is something that is just there, constantly, a Presence.  I truly don't know why it won't go away.  It is something I seem to have no control over.  It isn't overpowering or interfering.  I don't do anything about it, or even really pay attention to it except to be aware that it is still there.  Hopefully it will just burn out in time.

(Tarot card image is from the Golden Tarot by Kat Black)

Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Death of Blogs

A few weeks ago, I quit Facebook.  My brain suddenly and emphatically said ENOUGH.  My mind felt saturated with words, names, quotes, images, a point of overflow.  I feel mentally much better without Facebook.

Blogs have become out-dated.  No one blogs anymore.  Except me, because I'm now old-fashioned. There used to be such a thriving community.  I loved- truly loved- reading peoples' stories. Keeping up with them.  Reading comments.  Writing comments.  Sending them prayers, good wishes, and love that often they never knew about. Caring about someone else's story in their own space.  Learning from their stories.  There is something intimate about a blog.  You get to actually spend time with someone- pay attention to them- when you read their short stories.

Facebook newsfeeds are just....different.  Snippets and re-posts coming at an overwhelming pace.  Too much information from too many sources.  Everyone is throwing their snippets out into common space.  It's too noisy.  My mind can't handle all that noise.

Make it stop!

I miss the blogs I used to follow which are no longer updated.  Though many of my blog-friends are my Facebook friends, it is just not the same.  It's lonely out here in BlogLand but I like it better.  I like my own little tiny corner of the internet.

There were a couple of years when I didn't post much and now I am wishing I did- I like the record of stories and memories.

Facebook has its good points- such as finding people.  I found my Scotty again and for that I will always be grateful.  However, there is also something very unhealthy about Facebook.  It has overtaken so much.

The purpose of my blog is not to get attention.  Though if people visit I appreciate it very much.  Blogging is very therapeutic. It helps me, and maybe it helps someone else out there too.  Link

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Please Stand By

Processing Current Life Lesson

Things are finally starting to come together.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH is, apparently, where I had to go.

You know what feels very strange?  Feeling truly sad in my heart and truly being ok at the same time.

Scorpio is fixed water. Deep, still water.  Dark water.  And water, symbolically, is emotion.  And believe me, we will explore every little bit of scary surface way down there in order to understand it and transmute it.  Well, I will at least.

You know what's down there in ScorpioLand?  These guys.

I want a pet Anglerfish.  I love them.

So anyhow I am processing.  Downloading.  Re-arranging my personal power. When I know more I'll blog it, because that really does help me sort it all out.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Thumbtack Stuck in Hair

This morning I got a call from the school, but it wasn't for me.  They were looking for my friend, and I am her emergency contact.

They told me her son put a thumb tack in his hair and it was stuck, they want permission to cut his hair.  I repeated the problem to them to make sure I understood it correctly.  Several times. Thumbtack stuck in hair.  Confirmed.  Is it hurting him?  No.  But they can't get it out.

Many things are baffling about this.

1. First of all, here is the child in question.  He doesn't have much hair, and what he has is fine and non-tangly.


2. How does a thumbtack get stuck in anyone's hair? (Unless it was Daya.  Then I might understand.)
3. Why did he have a thumbtack in the first place?

I contacted my friend who had no words. We were both trying to understand this one.

As it turns out, Gavin got Fun-Tack in his hair.  The stick-things-to-the-wall-putty stuff.

Kneaded erasers are much better to play with than Fun-Tak.  
Trust me on this one.

This was an event the school considered serious enough to:
1) Call my friend and leave a voicemail
2) Call me, her emergency contact
3) Send a follow-up email about the situation.


When Daya fractured her finger they dismissed the whole thing as being a complete non-event.

Cat Hairs of Inspiration

That phrase is so good I wish I came up with it.  Robert did.  Thanks Robert, for visiting my blog and for your insightful comments.

I do not have much inspiration at the moment but I do have quite a lot of cat hair in my life.  Aside from the odd puked-up hairball or two, almost all of it is still attached to the three stupid cats who loiter around my apartment acting all entitled.

These are difficult days.  I am in an internal place that is new- it feels like something has just burned out. But there is no other option except to keep going.

Coming back to Job-because I am still thinking about it- when he said Enough is Enough- when he got to that point- it was a turning point.  For him, everything just got better after that.  But that is just not a realistic outcome; it is not Real Life.  I'm thinking Job's story just doesn't really hold up at all.

Here is my Horrorscope for the month:

SCORPIO: December 17th 18th and 19th have got your back this month! Patience is NOT always a virtue and that's a good thing because you are raring to go even if you're not sure where! Some of you may not care where as long as it is somewhere/something else! These words from Osha can assist you to work with Decembers, somewhat contradictory energies, dear Scorpio; "Drop the idea of becoming someone because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it and to realize it." Interestingly, your humor and zeal are there to support you as Jupiter IS reinforcing your careful development to "become someone" and Saturn is leaving you alone so you can do it! Yes, Saturn is leaving Scorpio, leaving behind gifts of maturity….and as a Scorpio, I maturely send it off with a good old fashioned Bronx cheer! WORDS TO LIVE BY; You are a masterpiece!


Patience is NOT always a virtue and that's a good thing because you are raring to go even if you're not sure where!  Some of you may not care where as long as it is somewhere/something else!   TRUE


Monday, December 15, 2014

Good Parenting

I am clearly the Best Mom Ever.
Well, in France it would be pretty normal, I guess.  Also, it was very nice Italian wine.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Human Stuff

I am "spiritualed-out" right now.

Sometimes it is necessary to step back from all the Power of Positive Thinking, Law of Attraction, Change Your Vibration, Higher Frequency etc etc etc and remember that we are human and that means we go through human stuff.

It is impossible to be happy-happy-joy-joy all the time.  Not only is it completely unrealistic, it is just not the human experience.  And when one is feeling particularly human, it just sucks to be reminded that you'll just attract more of what you are feeling.  Great. Just what I want to hear- that because I am feeling less than fantastic, I'm messing myself up. So what's a girl to do?

In the more new agey thought circles, there does tend to be a "blame the victim" mentality.  I can't stand that word, victim- and I am NEVER a victim. So perhaps a better re-phrasing would be there is a mindset that because we control our own reality we are attracting everything to us so it's our own fault- for lack of a better word.  But since we do not live in a vaccuum, I personally feel this is unbalanced because one needs internal/external balance and awareness.

Here is an amazing powerful brilliant painting my friend Nancy Park just finished.  It is such a perfect representation of how life just is sometimes.

The Nightmare
Nancy Park
30x40, oil
I wish I painted this!

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Out of Mo's Mind

I didn't write any of this.  But I did copy and paste it here, and my judicious use of CTRL+V must surely merit some kind of credit.

I don't watch television.  Don't even have one. There hasn't been a television in my living space for about 15 years.  But this also applies to internet. Finally, someone with some sense!


Out of Mo's Mind
“ 'is the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la, la la la la!”
-Traditional Christmas song written long before the invention of television, modern journalism or the Internet.

I've said it before and I’ll say it again. It’s possible to have a wonderful holiday and keep from falling into cultural stereotypes that insist we’re destined to get the blues. As sure as what we eat makes us what we are physically, what we ingest mentally controls how we see the world.
What follows are a few observations that might help you keep the “jolly” in the holly.

Watching what you watch is a valuable tool for figuring out why you may be filled with angst, sadness or the unquenchable desire to buy/eat/drink to extremes.

For example, one evening last week while watching television, I saw the following: numerous shootings, a couple of stabbings, stalking, waterboarding and other acts of interrogation too disturbing to mention here, sexual assault, promiscuity, theft, human trafficking, terrorism, ubiquitous alcohol use, drugs, political corruption, conspiracy theories, pedophilia, and various and sundry other antisocial acts, and that was only in the commercials. (Just kidding)

Actually, commercials promote trading stuff for love and sex, regaining your childhood by eating sugary cereals that you loved before you had common sense, flaunting your wealth, striving for wealth, striving for your neighbor’s wealth, flaunting your pretended wealth, getting new things because the old things are not only outdated but also make you look stupid, giving a luxury car as the only real expression that you love your family and so many other twisted messages that Hermes himself couldn't untie them.

Then there’s social media.
It's interesting to note that we use the term, “going viral,” for both the outbreak of a deadly disease and an extremely popular video on the Internet. I've seen some of these viral videos and the very fact that they’re so popular explains why this phenomenon is linked to disease.

I’ve also noticed a general lack of patience in our society as well as a sense of disconnection and self isolation. I have tons of theories as to what this may be due to, but I’ll leave the curmudgeon-based rant for another time. Suffice to say that we live in a chaotic time, but that we don' have to be influenced negatively by the chaos.

I have a friend who urges me to watch shows that espouse conspiracy theories, corruption, fears of global terrorism and the walking dead. I get all the zombies I can stand by going to the grocery store, thank you. As for the rest, there’s always C-SPAN.

That brings me to the news. Here’s what most newscasts seem like to me: catastrophe, tragedy, fear mongering, political spinning, more fear mongering, putting reporters in extreme danger in order to cause you to feel more connected to them, or perhaps just to cause more drama, sadness, catastrophe again, lots of commercials in between all of this and finally, a heartwarming tale involving a dog, child, sick person, charity, tale of heroism, or all of the above.

Here’s my point. I choose shows that I watch carefully. This means making choices. You might not agree with all my choices, but then I wouldn't expect you to.

Sure, some of what I watch makes me shriek obscenities, but mostly because local newscasters abuse our language and use atrocious grammar and pronunciation. It makes my brain itch.

The shows I don't want to watch, I ignore and I've done so for a reason. If I find that a show or media event is affecting me negatively, I remove it from my consciousness. That's the best part about all of this. The vast majority of the sensory assault we have to deal with is a matter of choice. We just have to realize that fact and exercise our right not to be manipulated.

If we learn to make choices with something as simple as a TV show, we’ll find that we’re making choices in other aspects of our life.

The bottom line is, tis the season to be jolly and you can be pretty darn ho, ho ho. All you have to do is recognize whatever it is that’s annoying you, or bringing you down, and turn it off. Try it. It may surprise you.

Until next week, I wish you peace, love and lots to fa la la about.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Job, Dissected

1. If you find this post religiously offensive I really don't care because if you are that religiously high-strung we probably wouldn't get along very well anyhow.
2. I am a seminary drop-out with bootleg Reiki so if you disagree with me or don't like what I am saying, that's fine, consider the source.

Ok, grab a cup of tea if you are still with me and let's go.

A long time ago when people didn't read or write, or even really think for themselves, stories were told in order to preserve and pass down information, entertain, teach, etc.  They were told in the context of the time so people could relate to and benefit from the meaning,  But universal meanings are still universal through time, the trick is to extract the meaning from archaic context, i.e Outdated Fluff.

Job's Story text source from this link

In the land of Uz there lived a man named Job; and he was blameless and upright, one who revered God and avoided evil. He had seven sons and three daughters. He owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred asses; and he had many servants, so that he was the richest man among all the peoples of the East.

Here is Uz.  Now you know.

Job was a really rich guy with a big family.  He was really happy and perfect and everyone loved him and he thought Jehovah was the Best Ever. He was grateful for his blessings.

One day when the sons of God came before Jehovah, Satan came with them. Jehovah said to Satan, "From where do you come?" Satan answered, "From going back and forth on the earth, and walking up and down on it." And Jehovah said to Satan, "Have you seen my servant Job? For there is no man like him on the ea rth, blameless and upright, who reveres God and avoids evil." Satan answered, "But is it for nothing that Job reveres God? Have you not yourself made a hedge all about him, about his household, and about all that he has? You have blessed whatever he does, and his possessions have greatly increased. But just put out your hand now and take away all he has; he certainly will curse you to your face." Then Jehovah said to Satan, "See, everything that he has is in your power; only do not lay hands on Job himself." So Satan left the presence of Jehovah.

Externalized Jehovah (positive) and Satan (negative).  They pretend to be enemies but really they are drinking buddies who play poker together.

They engage in a philosophical debate.

J says "Job thinks I am the Best Ever!"

S says, "Of course he does, he has a perfect life!"
J says "Ok, go fuck him up just don't kill him.  He will still think I am the Best Ever."

One day, as Job's sons and daughters were eating and drinking in the oldest brother's house, a messenger came to Job and said, "The oxen were ploughing and the asses were grazing near them when Sabeans suddenly attacked and seized them; the servants were put to the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you."

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "Lightning has fallen from heaven and has completely burned up the sheep and the servants, and I alone have escaped to tell you."

While this man was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The Chaldeans, attacking in three bands, raided the camels and drove them away; the servants were put to the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you."

While this one was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking in their oldest brother's house when a great wind came from across the wilderness, struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men and killed them. I alone have escaped to tell you."

Then Job rose, tore his robe, shaved his head, threw himself on the ground and worshipped, saying:

"Jehovah gave, Jehovah has taken away;
Blessed be the name of Jehovah!"

In all this Job did not sin nor blame God.

Job lost all his wealth and all his children died in simultaneous freakish unexpected events. But Job still thought Jehovah was the Best Ever.  He attributed both fortune and misfortune to Jehovah's hand, so he did not get mad or upset, not even when his children died, because he was obviously was either a Zen Master, he had no capacity for human feeling, or he didn't like his children very much.

If there were enough people left alive 
they could have had a mutton feast.

On another day when the sons of God came before Jehovah, Satan came with them. And Jehovah said to Satan, "From where do you come?"

Satan answered, "From going back and forth on the earth, and from walking up and down on it." Jehovah said to Satan, "Have you seen my servant Job? For there is no man like him on the earth, blameless and upright, one who reveres God and avoids evil; he still is faithful, although you led me to ruin him without ca use." Satan answered Jehovah, "Skin for skin, yes, a man will give all that he has for his life. But just put out your hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh; he certainly will curse you to your face." Jehovah said to Satan, "See, he is in your power; only spare his life."

Satan and Jehovah continue their sadistic philosophical debate.

J says "Job lost his wealth and family and he still thinks I am the Best Ever!"

S says "That is because he is incapable of human feeling.  But he can feel physical pain.  Let me mess up his body."
J says "Ok, go for it.  Just don't kill him."

So Satan left the presence of Jehovah, and afflicted Job from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head with leprosy so terrible that Job took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself.

Leprosy was the Worst Disease Ever back then.  It was a big problem.  And Job had it bad.

This is what severe leprosy looks like.

Also, you lose many of your important bits.

As he sat among the ashes, his wife said to him, "Are you still holding to your piety? Curse God and die." But he said to her, "You speak like a senseless woman. We accept prosperity from God, shall we not also accept misfortune?" In all this Job said nothing that was wrong.

Taking Job's story in isolation, we may infer that the standard ancient Biblical coping mechanism was to blame religion.

And let's throw in some psychological woman-bashing. Maybe she is upset that her children died. Such a stupid woman, right? Also, while being afflicted with severe painful leprosy, obviously Job remains in the same mental state as a normal healthy person and is unable to say "DAMNIT, THIS SUCKS!"  Being able to say that, by the way, doesn't necessarily mean hating on God, it just means you are human.  Which Job obviously isn't, not really.  And in the literal context of the story he would be rather justified to get mad at Jehovah.  Except Jehovah can say "I did nothing; Satan did it.  Hate on him instead."

When Job's three friends heard of all this trouble that had befallen him, they came each from his own home: Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite, for they had arranged to go together and show their sympathy for him and comfort him. But when they saw him in the distance, they did not at first know him. Then they all wept aloud and tore their robes and threw dust upon their heads. And they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights without any one saying a word to him, for they saw that he was in great trouble.

Job was not relocated to the nearby leper camp.  He still had three good friends left and they were upset to see his condition. 

Job is not in quarantine and is probably spreading leprosy

Then Job began to speak and said:
"Why did I not die at birth,
Breathe my last when I was born?
I should then have lain down in quiet,
Should have slept and been at rest
With kings and counsellors of earth,
Who built themselves great pyramids;
With princes rich in gold,
Who filled their houses with silver.

"There the wicked cease from troubling,
There the weary are at rest;
Captives too at ease together,
Hearing not the voice of masters.
There the small and great are gathered,
There the slave is free at last."

Job finally said "DAMNIT THIS SUCKS! Death is better, bring it on!"

Then Eliphaz, the Temanite, answered:
"If one dares to speak, will it vex you?
But who can keep from speaking?
See! you have instructed many,
And strengthened the drooping hands.
Your words have upheld the fallen,
Giving strength to tottering knees.
But now that trouble comes, you are impatient,
Now that it touches you, you lose courage.

"Is not your religion your confidence;
Your blameless life, your hope?
Remember! What innocent man ever perished?
Or where were the upright ever destroyed?
Happy the man whom God corrects;
Therefore, spurn not the Almighty's chastening.
For he causes pain but to comfort,
And wounds, that his hands may heal."

BFF #1 tells Job to stop being a hypocrite and take his own advice that he gave to others.

Job's team of BFFs want to remind him that Jehovah is still the Best Ever.  Because we all know that pain is the best comfort, right? (We can also say we must know one (pain) in order to know the other (comfort) )

Then Job answered:
"What strength have I, that I should endure?
And what is my future, that I should be patient?
Is my strength the strength of stones,
Or is my body made of brass?
A friend should be kind to one fainting,
Though he lose his faith in the Almighty.
Teach me, and I will keep silent.
Show me how I have sinned."

Job says 'Enough is enough! I don't deserve this! I cannot handle any more! What did I do wrong?"

Then Bildad, the Shuhite, answered:
"Is God a God of injustice?
Or can the Almighty do wrong?
If your children sinned against him,
He has let them suffer the penalty;
But you should earnestly seek him,
And devoutly beseech the Almighty.
If you are pure and upright,
He will surely answer your prayer,
And will prosper your righteous abode."

BFF #2 says "God punishes people who do things He doesn't like.  Your children totally deserved to die, by the way.  But if you are perfect, He won't punish you.  Talk to Him about it."

Then Job answered:
"To be sure, I know that it is so;
But how can a man be just before God?
He is wise in mind and mighty in strength,
Who has ever defied him and prospered,
Blameless I am! I regard not myself;
I hate my life; it is all one to me.
Therefore, I openly declare:
He destroys the blameless as well as the wicked."

Job says "Nope! I am being punished.  I think God is neurotic after all.  I am perfect and still, I get punished." (Meaning bad things still happen to good people.)

Then Zophar, the Naamathite, answered:
"If you would cleanse your heart,
And stretch out your hands to God,
And put away sin from your hand,
And let no wrong dwell in your tent,
You would then lift your face without spot,
You would then be steadfast and fearless."

BFF #3 says "Stop being human and start being perfect according to Jehovah's standards again.  You will be happier if you go back to thinking Jehovah is the Best Ever."

Then Job answered:
"Verily you are the people,
And with you wisdom shall die!
But I have a mind as well as you,
And who does not know all this?
Oh, that my words were now written,
That they were inscribed in a book,
That with an iron pen and with lead
In rock they were carved forever!

"For I know that my Defender lives,
That at last he shall stand upon earth;
And after this skin is destroyed.
Freed from my flesh, I shall see him,
Whom I shall behold for myself;
My own eyes shall see, and no stranger's."

Job says "Shut up, moron.  At least I will get to die at some point and tell Jehovah off for being an insufferable neurotic asshole."

Job again spoke and said:
"Oh, to be as in months of old,
As in days when God guarded my steps,
When his lamp shone above my head,
And I walked by his light through the darkness;
As I was in my prosperous days,
When God protected my tent;
When still the Almighty was with me,
And my children were all about me!

"When I went to the gate of the city,
And took my seat in the open,
The youths, when they saw me, retired,
And the aged rose up and stood;
The princes refrained from talking,
And laid their hands on their mouths;
The voices of nobles were hushed,
And their tongues stuck fast to their palates.

"He who heard of me called me happy,
He who saw me bore me witness,
For I saved the poor who cried,
And the orphan with none to help him.
The suffering gave me their blessing,
And I made the widow's heart glad.

"Eyes was I to the blind,
Feet was I to the lame,
And a father to those who were needy.
I defended the cause of the stranger,
I shattered the jaws of the wicked,
And wrested the prey from his teeth.

"Men listened to me eagerly,
And in silence awaited my counsel.
After my words they spoke not,
And my speech fell as rain-drops upon them.
But they sing of me now in derision,
And my name is a by-word among them.

"Oh, for some one to hear me!
Behold my defense all signed!
Let now the Almighty answer,
Let Jehovah write the charge!
On my shoulder I would bear it,
As a crown I would bind it round me;
I would tell him my every act;
Like a prince I would enter his presence!"

Despite the leprosy, Job still has total clarity of mind.  He recalls his life before leprosy and the afore-mentioned unforseen freakish events,  He calls Jehovah out to find out what the hell is going on.

Then out of the whirlwind Jehovah answered Job:
"Where were you when I founded the earth?
You have knowledge and insight, so tell me.
You must know! Who determined its measures?
Or who measured it off with a line?
On what were its foundations placed?
Or who laid its corner-stone,
When the morning stars all sang together,
And the sons of God shouted for joy?

"Can you lift up your voice to the clouds,
That abundance of water may answer you?
Can you send on their missions the lightnings;
To you do they say, 'Here we are'?

"Does the hawk soar because of your wisdom,
And stretch her wings to the south wind?
Does the eagle mount up at your bidding,
And build her nest on high?

"Will the fault-finder strive with Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer.
Will you set aside my judgment,
And condemn me, that you may be justified?"

Jehovah appears in a dramatic whirlwind.  Happens all the time.  He says to Job, "Here is a list of reasons why I am so fabulous.  Are you this fabulous? Can you do these things?  No?  I thought not.  So don't you dare get mad at me."

(OR from within the whirlwind of mental ranting, Job experiences spiritual clarity.)

Dramatic Whilrlwind.  Jehovah is in there somewhere.

Then Job answered the Lord:
"How small I am! what can I answer?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I spoke once, but will do so no more;
Yes, twice, but will go no further.

"I know thou canst do all things,
And that nothing with thee is impossible.
I spoke, therefore, without sense,
Of wonders beyond my knowledge.
I had heard of thee but by hearsay,
But now my eye has seen thee;
Therefore I despise my words,
And repent in dust and ashes."

Job says "Oh you're right!  I suck!  I can't do all those cool things, therefore I deserve to be punished.  I'm sorry for not liking it! You are the Best Ever!"

(OR Job realizes that he is small in relation to universal forces and due to human limitations he cannot know all from a divine viewpoint)

Then Jehovah gave back to Job, twice as much as he had before. And Jehovah blessed the last part of Job's life more than the first part; and he had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand asses. He also had seven sons and three daughters. And after this Job lived an hundred and forty years.

Jehovah said "Aw, that's ok Job. We are still pals. Thanks for telling me how cool I am.  I love flattery."  He then gave Job the winning number combinations for the Livestock Lottery.  

Although it is not specifically mentioned, we may assume the leprosy was removed and its various permanent disfiguring complications were reversed. 

Job had more kids because the first ones never mattered anyhow, and he lived for a really long time Happily Ever After just like Cinderella.

Yes, they did.

Some Things:
1. God and Satan are not two judgy sadistic beings in the sky inflicting reward and punishment at whim, or because they have something to prove.  That is silly and flat-out neurotic.
2. Snarkiness aside, I do understand the universal meaning of this story is to keep faith through good times and bad, there is a big picture into which we may not have full insight. (Though the Tao would say there is no "good" or "bad".) I do get it.

1. It is ok to say "DAMNIT, this sucks! What the hell is going on!"
2. It is ok to say enough is enough.
3. We all have our limits and should not put up with neurotic negative treatment.
4. When trust is broken it needs to be dealt with.  

Sunday, December 07, 2014

2014 Thoughts

Well it is December.  Again.

Here are the intentions I set for the year:

1. Drink a lot of tea DONE
2. Finish 1 studio painting per month (total 12 complete)
    -including 1 master copy (Memling)'    Ummmm........
3. Finish Through the Tarot in 78 days   Ummmmmmm.......
4. Fast 2 days a week DONE MOSTLY
5. Art reading: Color by Betty Edwards Oh yeah i remember that book......

My tarot card for the year was Ace of Pentacles.

Ace of Pentacles from the Mystic Dreamer deck

The Ace of Pentacles represents of new beginnings, fresh energy, and inspiration

Well, that didn't exactly happen.

I'm sorry for being so cynical these days, but that's just where I am.  As much as I don't like it and wish it was different, I can't help but be realistic.  I cannot ignore consistent outcomes. And the truth is that as much as we create our own reality by our thoughts, feelings, and reactions- we do not live in isolation.  We are all inter-connected.  The choices and actions of others DO have an impact on us. And when the same things happen over and over from unconnected sources over unconnected time periods, what conclusions can we draw?

  • Is it a fault within me?
  • Am I fighting a Life Path?
  • As much as I don't believe in punishment-just consequences-am I living out some kind of karma?
  • What is the message, what is the lesson?  I can see how I have learned and benefited to this point, but I don't see it going forward. I would like to move on.

Someone on my Guide Staff keeps telling me to read the story of Job.  I read it yesterday and I have to ponder my response.  I'm not too thrilled with Job to be honest.

It's nice being off Facebook.  Too many words and images and they all clatter around and I can't hear myself think or see my own visions.

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Enough Already

I have really just had Enough Already of pretty much everything.  At least I am off work tomorrow so the extremely silly drama there can also be avoided.

Facebook is infringing too much on my mental space so I'm taking a break from there too.

Things I am tired of, in no particular order:
  • Inspirational quotes
  • Money (as in not having it)
  • The holidays (all of them)
  • Slow pedestrians
  • Disgusting loud chewing gum
  • All kinds of drama
  • Reminders to be grateful.  I AM grateful.  Just because I am spiritually exhausted and tired of pretty much everything does not mean I don't recognize and appreciate my blessings.  I do have a human life to deal with and sometimes it just sucks and I need to say it. AND THAT IS OK.
I know maybe one of my friends reads my blog (Dru! Hi! ) so yeah I'm off Facebook for a bit in case anyone wants to come looking for me and I don't want to be found.

Well I will still be on WetCanvas.  Gotta keep my forums troll-free!


Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Dear God

Dear God,
Regarding our earlier chat- I am officially requesting a repair or exchange due to unforeseen defects of a dire nature.

Please either repair current or exchange out for similar in a manner that does not harm anyone in any way.  If repair/exchange is not possible I would like a refund in the form of painting energy and inspiration, but I would really prefer a repair or exchange.

Please repair/exchange ASAP.

Also, I am officially stating that Enough is Enough.

As always, much love and gratitude, even when I am bad-tempered and sulky.


Reiki Healing Codes

This is absolutely fascinating.

Need to save for reference.  I really want to explore this.


Sunday, November 30, 2014

Topiary Cats- Iridescents

I'm pretending to clean out my studio and I came across my Topiary Cats from last year. I finished the first series, and the Cloud series- and started the Iridescent series but never finished all seven paintings.

These paintings all feature iridescent and/or metallic oil paint.

Four are done, here they are, the other three really weren't working well and I'm calling it done.

Iridescent Topiary Cats
from 2013
all are 8x10 oil on panel

Venus Fly Cats

Hole in the Wall

 Lilypad Cats


New Spirit Guides?

Well I did, in fact, ask for some new spirit guides.

And then a night or two later I had a series of dreams in which I am pretty sure I got three new ones: A Chinese lady who came as a "new teacher", a young girl of about six or seven, and a golden retriever puppy.  There were other dogs too, large protective friendly ones- three to be exact.

So, we'll see what happens.

I just don't know about anything anymore to be honest.

I got my 78 Tarot Deck on Friday!  I love it.  The Strength card is one of the most powerful images for this card I have ever seen.

Strength is something that has been on my mind the past few days.

I am a very strong person.  That will never change.

However, I fail to see the point and purpose of it all.  It's tiring. No, it is exhausting.  What happens when a person has been strong for too long?  Everyone has limits.  Even strong people.

Friday, November 28, 2014

11:11 Mandala

Thursday, November 27, 2014

A Gratitude Story

When I met Nicole over the summer, we talked about our experience with gratitude journals.

We both liked it at first but then it got to be a real chore.

She told me how she had a really nice special book she was keeping her gratitude journal in.  And about doing it every day felt like yet another task that had to be done.

...............And then her dog ate her gratitude journal!


Things I am grateful for in no particular order:
  • Daya's health
  • My health
  • Job
  • Apartment (even though chunks of the ceiling are now falling off)
  • Paint
  • Tea
  • My friends
  • I live in NYC

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

You're Fired!

I have been getting pummeled with messages, very apt ones, relevant Stuff I Need To Hear.

And I just learned Something Very New:

(links to article)

I'm definitely going to do this.

Great, another thing to not trust.


And I really want to believe this....

"When every hope is gone, when helpers fail and comforts flee, I find that help arrives somehow, from I know not where. Supplication, worship, prayer are no superstition; they are acts more real than the acts of eating, drinking, sitting or walking. 
It is no exaggeration to say that they alone are real, all else is unreal."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


he said 'It's all in your head,' 
and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it 
I thought he was a man 
But he was just a little boy
                                               -Fiona Apple

I was speaking with a friend last night about looking for the positive lessons in life experiences.

And not being able to find them.
Even when searching really hard, meditating, and really wanting to find the positive.

Things to ask:
"Did I learn anything about myself?" (no)
"Did the experience benefit me and/or someone else?" (no)
"Did it make me a better person?" (no)
"Am I a better painter now?"  (no)
 this is a vitally important question applicable to everything 

Sometimes, it's ok to forget all that stuff about experiences being all about the journey, everything happens for a reason, etc etc.  That is all well and good and it is mostly true, but sometimes, over-analyzing gets you nowhere.  If there is nothing to be found there is just nothing.

It's kind of like searching for the positive meaning in an IRS audit letter.

Don't waste your time looking for anything besides  
"It sucks!"

There is nothing either good or bad, 
but thinking makes it so.

Well yes, we can quote the wise Hamlet but didn't he end up really messed up...and dead?  

That also sucks.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Nora as Purrsephone

Nora and I have been doing the WC annual portrait swap for several years and we decided to have some fun. She painted me as Rochelle Bones and I painted her as Purrsephone...from Monster High.

I think Nora makes such a cute Purrsephone.

Here she is, pastel (Unisons, Senns, and Pans) on PastelMat.  PastelMat is an absolute pleasure to work on.  The pastels GLIDE.  It is the most wonderful feeling.

9.5 x 12

I dropped a Senn half stick and it shattered  This means I NEED to go to Blick tomorrow to replace it.  I am obsessive like that,

Carey understands, and this is why we are friends for life.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Just Like Real Life!

Today I worked very hard to kill a Frost Troll.  It took a while.

I persevered. 
I stayed positive.  
I was brave.  
I worked very hard against the odds and was victorious.

And this is what I got for my efforts:


Oh gross.

It's a little too true to real life efforts, goals, and rewards. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Chakra Hygeine

Today, I am no longer a cyclops!
Also, I have tomorrow off.  It will be the perfect time and space to finish my portrait swap for Nora.

Chakras.  We all have them, and they need to be cleaned regularly.  I clean mine every night right before I go to sleep.  It takes less than 10 minutes.

Here are the main chakras:

Except for the root and crown chakras***, they all have a front and a back.  Recently I came across a bit of info that mentioned the back of our chakras is about receiving, and the front is about giving.  This makes a lot of sense.

I clean mine the way I was taught many years ago...from the bottom up- starting at the root and going one by one up to the crown. pulling white or gold energy and scrubbing them out, front and back.  It's good to pay special attention to areas in which you feel weak.  If you are attuned to reiki you can use that as well. (you can also beam reiki out of your chakras as well as your hands)

When you are at the crown, pull the energy up through all your chakras, through the crown and all around you.  I use gold for this.

***The third eye chakra spans 360 degrees.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Lazy Intuition and Stupid Eyes

Here is an article about intuitive people.

It's accurate.  10 out of 10 of the points made apply to me.

There's this one:

Few things stifle intuition as easily as constant busyness, multitasking, connectivity to digital devices and stress and burnout. According to Huffington, we always have an intuitive sense about the people in our lives — on a deep level, we know the good ones from the “flatterers and dissemblers” — but we’re not always awake enough to our intuition to acknowledge the difference to ourselves. The problem is that we’re simply too busy.

“We always get warnings from our heart and our intuition when they appear,” she writes in Thrive. “But we are often too busy to notice.”

It's great to know that my laziness 
actually has a purpose!

I lost my contact lens on the way to work.  Specifically, at the top of the staircase coming out of the very back of the M train in the Bryant Park subway station.  One of those split second freak things.  If you see it, by any, well don't worry about it, nevermind.

So I am a little more blind than normal today.

NOTE: this image is not of my actual lens.

Contact lenses are a real pain.  
So is having stupid eyes.

I do not know which is worse:  going through the day with one contact lens- or having dilated eyes, which I get to experience twice a year.

NOTE: this image is of my actual dilated eye from a few weeks ago. 

Whatever I do, I still cannot see!

Sunday, November 16, 2014


Daya is nine today.  I got through nine years, sort-of.  She got through nine years very well and I am proud of her.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Where is My Snow?

Everyone is getting snow except me.

Carey got snow.
Nancy got snow.
Janet got snow.
Lesley got snow.
Mary got snow.
Karen got snow.


Carey sends me her snow and her clouds.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Soul Contracts

Tonight I entered into an official Soul Contract with Nancy.  You can do that; you can make agreements on a soul level with others for mutual benefit.  Because sometimes there are relationships that transcend time and space. Forever really does mean Forever. Nance and I are like that.  I don't care how crazy it sounds to anyone, and Nance is just as nuts as I am.

Nancy is going to be my biological mother in our next lifetime.  She wants us to both be Scorpios again, which is fine by me.  I want us to be in or close to NYC, which is fine with her.

I love Nancy madly and she loves me, which is fine by both of us too.  Nancy will be 75 tomorrow, and I selfishly tell her she isn't allowed to leave any time soon, because I still need her.

Also, so much in this lifetime has been incredibly challenging in regard to family (I don't know why!!), so it will be nice to have something nice to look forward to next time around.  Something good.  Because I know I can really count on Nancy, and she can always count on me.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Too-Early Drama

I was sound asleep this morning, a little later than I should have been, when I was woken up by a shout:


Good morning to you too...

She couldn't find two homework notebooks.  Insists they were in her backpack.  I asked if she had them at dance yesterday.  She said yes, so I said that's probably where they are then, don't worry about it we'll get it tomorrow.  No, they were in her backpack, do I know where they are?

No I don't.  Why would I know that?

Oh wait.  She can't find her keys either.   She also insisted they were in her backpack.

Now, I know for a fact that when she gets home she throws her keys on the floor.  So I told her there is still time, keep looking.

Major Meltdown ensues.  Keys are not found.  I gave her my spares on the way to the bus stop but I am Not Happy that she gave up because she got upset.

Bus Stop Sulking.

It must be her Pisces Rising.

Jenn had some excellent advice for the future.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Fog & the Wrong Train

It's foggy outside.  I like fog.  Except when life is a fog.  That's far less pleasant.

Speaking of fog, particularly Brain Fog, yesterday afternoon I took the wrong train home.  Well, not-home because it was the wrong train.  Almost 20 years in NYC riding the subway and I still took the wrong train. In my defense the N trains are usually the new trains; the R trains are the older ones with the yellow circle. Also, I was busy looking forward to my afternoon commute nap.

And that nap is why I ended up at the end of the line on the N train, up at Ditmars Blvd right by my very first apartment. I woke up because Carey texted me. It was so strange being back there, even if only on the train platform. A lot happened when I lived there.  It is so strange to be back to places from the past.  Familiar and not-familiar.

I refused to go all the way back down, so I walked over to the R train.  It was a nice walk.  When I got home Daya laughed at me. Jenn laughed at me too. I deserved it.

The N train should NOT impersonate the R train.

But there were good clouds up at Ditmars.

I found this today and I really like it.  Taking the wrong train is stupid, but thankfully not permanent.  Some stupid things are permanent though.

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Portrait Swap Preview!

Nora and I have plans for each other for this year's is one of the refs I sent her.  I don't make my lips blue for just anyone! :)  I will start my portrait of her this weekend.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

On Love

Here is something that Jackie posted yesterday. I absolutely love these words about Love.

While it is debatable how smart I am (or am not), it is true that I would prefer to be alone than be with the wrong person.

I could really use some usable Directional Guidance from my Guides. My Signs lately all seem to point in different directions.

I have been all meditation and pondering and no fun lately.  :(

It's probably time to throw some paint at my blog, or tell an amusing story.  Maybe both.  Nora and I are portrait swap partners and we are both going to be crazy this year.

Monday, November 03, 2014

My Life is Not About Me All The Time

I had a good chat with Carey about stuff and things.  And about my thoughts on my own life experiences not actually being about me at all, or even for my benefit.  The more I think about this the more sense it makes. And it also puts me in a positive place of gratitude.

But only if I take myself completely out of it.
And keep myself out of it.
To be honest, I don't even want to do that all the time.

It's a very back-and-forth kind of thing; not easy to sustain.  That's the practice part of Spiritual Practice I guess.

God isn't some abstract formless old-man being judging us from afar.  God is in us and all around us.  We are all the voice and hands of God.  God is the love we can give to someone else which flows strong from a pure place unadulterated by ego, or our own expectations and desires.  It is a gift to be able to do that, to give that to someone else.

But why is it so difficult to sustain?

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic 
than to love people."
                                    -Vincent Van Gogh

"Love always brings difficulties, that is true, 
but the good side of it is that it gives energy."
                                     -Vincent Van Gogh

Sunday, November 02, 2014

More on Control and Feelings

I wrote earlier about having feelings and reactions that are out of our direct control; they are just there no matter what we think and how we act.

Perhaps the answer is that feelings are the nervous system of our inner beings, much in the same way as our physical nervous system.  Our bodies and inner beings can and do get hurt in various degrees of trauma, from minor to severe.

If you break your arm it's going to hurt whether you want it to or not.

That pain is not something that you have a choice about.  Yes you can take pain meds and do what you need in order to promote healing, but it still hurts.  I have concluded it is the same with feelings. They are just going to be there whether or not we want them to be.

I am still trying to figure out what my current lessons and takeaways are.  Perhaps the lesson is that not everything I go through, not everything that happens in my life is actually about me.  Maybe that is the answer- this is something to think about.