Tuesday, November 25, 2014

You're Fired!

I have been getting pummeled with messages, very apt ones, relevant Stuff I Need To Hear.

And I just learned Something Very New:

(links to article)

I'm definitely going to do this.

Great, another thing to not trust.


And I really want to believe this....

"When every hope is gone, when helpers fail and comforts flee, I find that help arrives somehow, from I know not where. Supplication, worship, prayer are no superstition; they are acts more real than the acts of eating, drinking, sitting or walking. 
It is no exaggeration to say that they alone are real, all else is unreal."
-Mahatma Gandhi


he said 'It's all in your head,' 
and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it 
I thought he was a man 
But he was just a little boy
                                               -Fiona Apple

I was speaking with a friend last night about looking for the positive lessons in life experiences.

And not being able to find them.
Even when searching really hard, meditating, and really wanting to find the positive.

Things to ask:
"Did I learn anything about myself?" (no)
"Did the experience benefit me and/or someone else?" (no)
"Did it make me a better person?" (no)
"Am I a better painter now?"  (no)
 this is a vitally important question applicable to everything 

Sometimes, it's ok to forget all that stuff about experiences being all about the journey, everything happens for a reason, etc etc.  That is all well and good and it is mostly true, but sometimes, over-analyzing gets you nowhere.  If there is nothing to be found there is just nothing.

It's kind of like searching for the positive meaning in an IRS audit letter.

Don't waste your time looking for anything besides  
"It sucks!"

There is nothing either good or bad, 
but thinking makes it so.

Well yes, we can quote the wise Hamlet but didn't he end up really messed up...and dead?  

That also sucks.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Nora as Purrsephone

Nora and I have been doing the WC annual portrait swap for several years and we decided to have some fun. She painted me as Rochelle Bones and I painted her as Purrsephone...from Monster High.

I think Nora makes such a cute Purrsephone.

Here she is, pastel (Unisons, Senns, and Pans) on PastelMat.  PastelMat is an absolute pleasure to work on.  The pastels GLIDE.  It is the most wonderful feeling.

I think it is 9x12

I dropped a Senn half stick and it shattered  This means I NEED to go to Blick tomorrow to replace it.  I am obsessive like that,

Carey understands, and this is why we are friends for life.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Just Like Real Life!

Today I worked very hard to kill a Frost Troll.  It took a while.

I persevered. 
I stayed positive.  
I was brave.  
I worked very hard against the odds and was victorious.

And this is what I got for my efforts:


Oh gross.

It's a little too true to real life efforts, goals, and rewards. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Chakra Hygeine

Today, I am no longer a cyclops!
Also, I have tomorrow off.  It will be the perfect time and space to finish my portrait swap for Nora.

Chakras.  We all have them, and they need to be cleaned regularly.  I clean mine every night right before I go to sleep.  It takes less than 10 minutes.

Here are the main chakras:

Except for the root and crown chakras***, they all have a front and a back.  Recently I came across a bit of info that mentioned the back of our chakras is about receiving, and the front is about giving.  This makes a lot of sense.

I clean mine the way I was taught many years ago...from the bottom up- starting at the root and going one by one up to the crown. pulling white or gold energy and scrubbing them out, front and back.  It's good to pay special attention to areas in which you feel weak.  If you are attuned to reiki you can use that as well. (you can also beam reiki out of your chakras as well as your hands)

When you are at the crown, pull the energy up through all your chakras, through the crown and all around you.  I use gold for this.

***The third eye chakra spans 360 degrees.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Lazy Intuition and Stupid Eyes

Here is an article about intuitive people.

It's accurate.  10 out of 10 of the points made apply to me.

There's this one:

Few things stifle intuition as easily as constant busyness, multitasking, connectivity to digital devices and stress and burnout. According to Huffington, we always have an intuitive sense about the people in our lives — on a deep level, we know the good ones from the “flatterers and dissemblers” — but we’re not always awake enough to our intuition to acknowledge the difference to ourselves. The problem is that we’re simply too busy.

“We always get warnings from our heart and our intuition when they appear,” she writes in Thrive. “But we are often too busy to notice.”

It's great to know that my laziness 
actually has a purpose!

I lost my contact lens on the way to work.  Specifically, at the top of the staircase coming out of the very back of the M train in the Bryant Park subway station.  One of those split second freak things.  If you see it, by any chance...um, well don't worry about it, nevermind.

So I am a little more blind than normal today.

NOTE: this image is not of my actual lens.

Contact lenses are a real pain.  
So is having stupid eyes.

I do not know which is worse:  going through the day with one contact lens- or having dilated eyes, which I get to experience twice a year.

NOTE: this image is of my actual dilated eye from a few weeks ago. 

Whatever I do, I still cannot see!

Sunday, November 16, 2014


Daya is nine today.  I got through nine years, sort-of.  She got through nine years very well and I am proud of her.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Where is My Snow?

Everyone is getting snow except me.

Carey got snow.
Nancy got snow.
Janet got snow.
Lesley got snow.
Mary got snow.
Karen got snow.


Carey sends me her snow and her clouds.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Soul Contracts

Tonight I entered into an official Soul Contract with Nancy.  You can do that; you can make agreements on a soul level with others for mutual benefit.  Because sometimes there are relationships that transcend time and space. Forever really does mean Forever. Nance and I are like that.  I don't care how crazy it sounds to anyone, and Nance is just as nuts as I am.

Nancy is going to be my biological mother in our next lifetime.  She wants us to both be Scorpios again, which is fine by me.  I want us to be in or close to NYC, which is fine with her.

I love Nancy madly and she loves me, which is fine by both of us too.  Nancy will be 75 tomorrow, and I selfishly tell her she isn't allowed to leave any time soon, because I still need her.

Also, so much in this lifetime has been incredibly challenging in regard to family (I don't know why!!), so it will be nice to have something nice to look forward to next time around.  Something good.  Because I know I can really count on Nancy, and she can always count on me.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Too-Early Drama

I was sound asleep this morning, a little later than I should have been, when I was woken up by a shout:


Good morning to you too...

She couldn't find two homework notebooks.  Insists they were in her backpack.  I asked if she had them at dance yesterday.  She said yes, so I said that's probably where they are then, don't worry about it we'll get it tomorrow.  No, they were in her backpack, do I know where they are?

No I don't.  Why would I know that?

Oh wait.  She can't find her keys either.   She also insisted they were in her backpack.

Now, I know for a fact that when she gets home she throws her keys on the floor.  So I told her there is still time, keep looking.

Major Meltdown ensues.  Keys are not found.  I gave her my spares on the way to the bus stop but I am Not Happy that she gave up because she got upset.

Bus Stop Sulking.

It must be her Pisces Rising.

Jenn had some excellent advice for the future.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Fog & the Wrong Train

It's foggy outside.  I like fog.  Except when life is a fog.  That's far less pleasant.

Speaking of fog, particularly Brain Fog, yesterday afternoon I took the wrong train home.  Well, not-home because it was the wrong train.  Almost 20 years in NYC riding the subway and I still took the wrong train. In my defense the N trains are usually the new trains; the R trains are the older ones with the yellow circle. Also, I was busy looking forward to my afternoon commute nap.

And that nap is why I ended up at the end of the line on the N train, up at Ditmars Blvd right by my very first apartment. I woke up because Carey texted me. It was so strange being back there, even if only on the train platform. A lot happened when I lived there.  It is so strange to be back to places from the past.  Familiar and not-familiar.

I refused to go all the way back down, so I walked over to the R train.  It was a nice walk.  When I got home Daya laughed at me. Jenn laughed at me too. I deserved it.

The N train should NOT impersonate the R train.

But there were good clouds up at Ditmars.

I found this today and I really like it.  Taking the wrong train is stupid, but thankfully not permanent.  Some stupid things are permanent though.

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Portrait Swap Preview!

Nora and I have plans for each other for this year's swap....here is one of the refs I sent her.  I don't make my lips blue for just anyone! :)  I will start my portrait of her this weekend.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

On Love

Here is something that Jackie posted yesterday. I absolutely love these words about Love.

While it is debatable how smart I am (or am not), it is true that I would prefer to be alone than be with the wrong person.

I could really use some usable Directional Guidance from my Guides. My Signs lately all seem to point in different directions.

I have been all meditation and pondering and no fun lately.  :(

It's probably time to throw some paint at my blog, or tell an amusing story.  Maybe both.  Nora and I are portrait swap partners and we are both going to be crazy this year.

Monday, November 03, 2014

My Life is Not About Me All The Time

I had a good chat with Carey about stuff and things.  And about my thoughts on my own life experiences not actually being about me at all, or even for my benefit.  The more I think about this the more sense it makes. And it also puts me in a positive place of gratitude.

But only if I take myself completely out of it.
And keep myself out of it.
To be honest, I don't even want to do that all the time.

It's a very back-and-forth kind of thing; not easy to sustain.  That's the practice part of Spiritual Practice I guess.

God isn't some abstract formless old-man being judging us from afar.  God is in us and all around us.  We are all the voice and hands of God.  God is the love we can give to someone else which flows strong from a pure place unadulterated by ego, or our own expectations and desires.  It is a gift to be able to do that, to give that to someone else.

But why is it so difficult to sustain?

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic 
than to love people."
                                    -Vincent Van Gogh

"Love always brings difficulties, that is true, 
but the good side of it is that it gives energy."
                                     -Vincent Van Gogh

Sunday, November 02, 2014

More on Control and Feelings

I wrote earlier about having feelings and reactions that are out of our direct control; they are just there no matter what we think and how we act.

Perhaps the answer is that feelings are the nervous system of our inner beings, much in the same way as our physical nervous system.  Our bodies and inner beings can and do get hurt in various degrees of trauma, from minor to severe.

If you break your arm it's going to hurt whether you want it to or not.

That pain is not something that you have a choice about.  Yes you can take pain meds and do what you need in order to promote healing, but it still hurts.  I have concluded it is the same with feelings. They are just going to be there whether or not we want them to be.

I am still trying to figure out what my current lessons and takeaways are.  Perhaps the lesson is that not everything I go through, not everything that happens in my life is actually about me.  Maybe that is the answer- this is something to think about.

Saturday, November 01, 2014

Heart Gifts

oh the fear i've known 
that i might reap the praise of strangers 
and end up on my own
                                                                                  -indigo girls
This above line is basically the story of my life.

We have to honor and respect others' paths and journey.  Especially when they speak to us honestly. When someone is open and honest, it is a gift.  Everyone has to make that choice between fear and love.  And it isn't a one-time decision, it is something we must consciously and constantly choose. 

We can offer assistance, support, and encouragement to help others move out of fear. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.  In the end this is something everyone must decide and do for themselves.  We can only hope and pray they act and decide from a place of love, not fear.  But we cannot ever choose for them.

Almost never, a very special person may come along- a very rare kind of person.  A person worth keeping. A person with whom very special and amazing things could grow. A person who you want to tell "You will never find anyone else better than me.  I am the best you will ever find."  Especially when it really is true.  And you wish they really knew and understood that.  And they just cannot and/or will not.  

But people need to be ready to accept and receive the greatest Gifts the universe has to offer. And if they can't....well, it is very sad but we must honor and respect the Journey of others.  And pray that they have the strength and courage to combat fear and live in the love, joy, and abundance they deserve and that they find whatever it is that they need to find. 

Battle of the minds
Cries Below
Cries Above
You must pick a side
Will you choose fear?
Will you choose love?
               -Tori Amos

Immobilizing Factors

Everyone has that one thing about them which immobilizes them from time to time, or more often.  It can be anything.  Fearfulness, anger- these are two common ones.  If you don't know what your Immobilizing Factor is, look at your go-to emotion or reaction to things.

Although I get scared and angry sometimes, like everyone else, neither of these predominates my emotions or character. It takes a lot for me to get really angry, and then it eventually works its way out and it's done with.   While there are things I fear- in general I will just walk right through fear. I have already been through a lot of Really Scary Shit and by comparison, well, most things just aren't that scary. Or I have reference points that are Much Worse and I got through those.  Or I know that what is on the other side of fear is absolutely worth it.   Or could be.

My immobilizing factor is sadness.  That is how I process things.  I hold too much sadness and one day it might take me down in one way or another,  I am so tired of life experiences turning into things to add to my Pile of Sadness.  I don't know how to change it.  I have already tried everything I know to do, and then some.

What is really ironic about this is that I know how to help others move beyond their own inner demons (If they want to). I can and will battle fear.  I can do energy healing. I can see patterns, and if allowed, I can assist.  I can feel others' pain in my hands and sometimes I can remove it from them. It took me a long time to understand the difference between my feelings and others' feelings- if something I felt was "mine" or not.

But I do not know how to drain my own well of sadness, which is all mine.  At this point I just want life experiences that don't add to it any more.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Prayer and Endings and Beginnings

I like the below passage. 

"Prayer is the greatest miracle in the world, because prayer means trust, love, surrender. It means all that is valuable. Prayer is not just repeating a formula, it is a pouring out of the heart. Prayer gives a different quality to your being. It is not that by praying you change god’s mind; there is nobody like god as a person and there is no such mind as god’s mind. People who pray try to change the mind of god; they are ill and they would like to be healthy, so they want to change the mind of god, but that is not true prayer. The true Prayer is that which changes you, not god. God is irrelevant, god is just an excuse, a device: the real thing is that the prayer changes the one who prays. When you are Praying you are no more the same person.

The ordinary mind continuously doubts; in prayer the doubt is relaxed, the gestalt changes, you start trusting. The ordinary mind always thinks negatively; in prayer you move to the positive; the pendulum moves from one polarity to another. The ordinary mind is always desiring, hankering, groping in the future; in prayer the future disappears, you are utterly here, now. This moment becomes your totality, and in that very totality something, a door that has remained closed forever, opens up.

To pray means to trust in miracles, to pray means that things are possible without your doing anything at all. To pray means that you need not go anywhere and all can come to you, wherever you are. To pray means that the existence has not abandoned you; you can still call it forth. It has mothered you, it is not indifferent to you. In short, prayer means believing in the impossible before breakfast! And when you believe in the impossible, it happens. When you believe in the impossible you have created the situation for it to happen; it was only impossible because there was no belief. Because the trust was not there it was impossible; now trust makes all things possible. Trust knows nothing is impossible."

My difficulty lies in having prayed in as connected a way as I know how to...having been in that Open state, that state of trust and miracles....it is a difficult thing to sustain, the euphoria of prayer- and yet, still, it comes to nothing.  

Perhaps the fault is intrinsically mine, for having Wants. Or for not being connected enough.  Even though Abraham-Hicks states that we are supposed to be in a state of wanting, how else would we be able to connect with our dreams and desires?

Well, I managed a blog post every day this month.  And it is getting harder and harder to find non-cheesy images of Archangel Michael.

Here is a picture from my house altar, to close out the month.  All endings bring in new beginnings.
Let's see if November brings anything.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

I Can't Pray My Way Through or Around It

I'm really in a quandary lately about things we can and can't control.  And I mean this in the context of our own connections, feelings and reactions.  What we feel.  Feelings that just move themselves in with no invitation. And won't go away.

There is so much talk and emphasis on change your thoughts change your life,  And how we are in control of our reality (true!) thoughts (true!) and actions (true!)-- and having a spiritual solution to every problem.

But what about certain feelings and reactions?  The things we feel and may or may not act upon depending on what is appropriate?  Feelings that are constantly there getting in the way?

I consider myself to be a reasonably mentally and emotionally mature adult.  I am very self-aware.  I am friends with myself.  I have done a LOT of conscious work on myself through the years to get to where I am, and I continue to do this work. 

But what happens when we feel something and no matter what we just cannot make it go away?  I do not understand how I am not in control of this, but it seems like I am not. 

I am used to the mindset that I CAN control my thoughts and reactions, and I recognize when feelings just need to work their way through me in their own time.  And that is ok.   But there are feelings I do not want.  I ignore it, do not feed it, and it just refuses to die.  I actively try to kill it and STILL it refuses to die. I seek spiritual assistance and clarity and yet nothing changes.  How is this possible? This angers me.  Not anger towards myself or another person- more towards God and life in general.

Because there seems to be no point or purpose.  I had a chat with Jenn about it as she has gone through the same thing.  She understands.  She did not see and still does not see the point of her own experience.  Which is incredibly disheartening, but true to life.  She says there are some things even about our own selves that are beyond our control.  And it really sucks.  I don't like that there is an inner state of being about myself that I can't control.  I don't know what to do with this.  It is almost like it is a living thing. I maneuver around it for the most part, but I always feel its presence.

I want it to go away and I don't know how to make it go away or process it or move it out of my energy system.

I need to do a post on conflicting inspiration, guidance, and spiritual messages because they are everywhere.  That might take me a little while to do, as I need to collect various sundries and assemble them.


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

So, Today

I was planning on coming in to work early because work blew right the %#%( up this week...I went to sleep early last night and could. not. sleep.  I might have finally fallen asleep around 4am.  I had some disturbing strange, very sad dreams, then it was time to wake up.

Isis did not want to snuggle with me.

While I was making Daya's lunch this morning the jelly jar smashed on the floor.  I didn't have time to clean it so my kitchen floor is covered in cherry jelly and broken glass which went flying everywhere.  I'm praying the cats stay away...I moved their food and water....

On the subway the strange guy sitting next to me fell asleep...on me...but at least he apologized.

I actually had breakfast this morning.  The man in front of me was having trouble with his card so I bought his breakfast.  My random act of kindness is accomplished.

Also, for the last week I thought I was turning a whole year older than I actually am.
Superstar me.  I don't even know how old I am anymore.

Today I have to stay late at work to finish someone else's mess of a project that is due.

I can't help but reflect on life on my birthday, and today I feel overwhelmed and lost.  Like I went wrong somewhere in life.  But I don't know what I would- or could- have done differently.

This age-year, and 2014 in general- has been an extremely strange and uncomfortable year.  Not in a good way either.

Perhaps, yes, in hindsight there is one thing I would have done differently this year but it is too late now.  But I could not have possibly known.

This is sort-of a repeat image but LOOK!  It moves!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Cult of Special People

Daya was in a little play this morning.  She was the main character, and she was BEYOND AWESOME. And so was everyone else.  Here she is with her best friend Braden.

The play was part of her school's morning assembly as part of a literacy campaign.  Which is also awesome.

HOWEVER.....at the start of the assembly the school officials must have spent an entire 15 minutes telling the children how SPECIAL they all are.  SPECIAL and UNIQUE.  Over and over ad nauseum.  Oh, and when they were done they mentioned as an afterthought that others are special and unique too.

Let's celebrate how SPECIAL we all are!  Because, you know, you are SPECIAL!  Don't forget YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!!  Did we mention YOU ARE SPECIAL?  Make sure you remember how SPECIAL you are!


Seriously, STOP IT.

Kids in this country already have such a MASSIVE sense of entitlement with no respect for either themselves or anyone else.  Because they are SO SPECIAL.

Telling our kids how SPECIAL they are all the time is not really a good way to boost self esteem.  It is, however, a great way to boost ENTITLED EGOTISTICAL NARCISSISM.

Education fail.

I tell Daya that the world does not revolve around her- she is part of the world.  She is not any more SPECIAL than anyone else.

This SPECIAL thing is just so unhealthy on all levels.  It's like the junk food of self-esteem.

Carey pointed me to the "You are Not Special" graduation speech.  I'm sending it to the principal.


Monday, October 27, 2014

Irrational Scorpio Girls

I think the preteen junk is starting.

I do not think I will survive it.  I also don't think I can pray my way through it.

Does anyone have a preteen emergency kit?

Can mothers be killed from the effects of too much crazy unnecessary drama?


Sunday, October 26, 2014

Mostly OK I Think

I really am mostly ok.......I think........

Or at least I am mostly certain I will be ok, and that is just as important.

Yes I know my blog has been a bit heavy these days.  But it really has been helpful for me to sort myself out.

Lisa is right about me needing help though.  I do need help- with paying the bills (stupid rent increase %;#*(;^#), housework, dealing with Daya, and all the little things that just add up.

And sometimes we all need someone right here and now, in the present, to hold us up, even for just a few minutes.

However, I do not have help with any of those things, nor do I see this changing.  So I make due and get through as we women have done since the beginning of time.  Even though it takes its toll on us.

My goal is to avoid total erosion of my spirit.

That being said, I do have a lot to be grateful for, which brings to mind Nicole's Gratitude List.  Here are some Major Things I am grateful for, in no particular order:

My health, Daya's health, a roof over our heads, my job, oil paint, pastels, tea, my friends, meditation, my inner strength, living in NYC.  It is a wonderful thing to know you are living in the right place.

Parenting is seriously the hardest thing in the universe.  In some ways it gets easier as Daya gets older and in some ways it gets much harder.

She will be 9 in a few weeks.  She is very independent, more so than any other child I know of at her age.  I have been coaching her on streets and navigation and strangers and safety since kindergarten.

She can take the school bus home and walk home alone, and stay home alone.  She can take the MTA bus from school to her dance studio by herself.  This is not something I talk about a lot as basically no one else lets their kids do these things alone and they think I'm crazy, but I know, really know- it is ok.  And it has been absolutely fine.

Jackie said something the other week to me that really meant a lot- she said "don't let anyone tell you she is too young- it depends on the kid."  And I really value Jackie's support.  She has raised two kids completely by herself and is a Queens native.  It meant a lot to me that she said that, instead of the fear everyone else throws at me.

I'm not careless, I have simply taken the time to teach my daughter some Life Skills and I know she is capable and trustworthy.

The downside of it is that she thinks she knows absolutely EVERYTHING.  But that is for another post.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Saturday Morning Post

It seems like the more I try and be positive, and do all the things I am supposed to, the odds just keep getting stacked higher and higher against me.

Life has become a series of things I have to do and get through.  While I am not prone to worrying, I am prone to feeling too weighed down.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Sei He Ki

Because we all need Sei He Ki

To help us with this:

And Archangel Michael helps with this too.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Unknown Journey

So this little message....

Is not enjoying the journey part of the whole journey?  What's up with all this "unknown" stuff constantly? Why the imposition of time?

I'm tired of it.

Can't we just shake our fist at God sometimes and yell "WTF?!"


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Abrasive Days

My life is going in circles.  The same ones.  Over and over.  I do what I have to do to maintain things. I cannot seem to get beyond basic minimum maintenance.

Where is it all going?  What is the point?  

Things that could be are not.  
Things that are just repeat to no destination.  

Which is correct:  holding out in faith and hope or seeing and accepting reality in the present moment-- when the two are different?

How is it possible to be spiritually connected and still feel like this?

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


Well it's Tuesday...another day.
I was feeling very sad last night and it seeped right into my dreams.

This morning I still feel sad.

Update:  last night especially I was thinking about safety.  Jackie posted this on Facebook and I saw it when i got to work just now...

It is a nice synchronicity.

Monday, October 20, 2014


This is something Nicole and I spoke about. When you wake up in the early 3am hour (I do every morning!), remember this.

Archangel Michael - Michael is the leader of all the Archangels and is in charge of protection, courage, strength, truth and integrity. Michael protects us emotionally and psychically. He also oversees the light worker's life purpose. His chief function is to rid the earth and its inhabitants of the toxins associated with fear.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Professional Waiting

I am TERRIBLE at waiting.

Well, I was looking through some old blog posts and I found this one, which has what I have been looking for.  Because this is what I need to hear right now.

"...one needs to become a professional waiter. Amateur waiters wait inside their emotions, they fret and worry and pine, and they focus on what they don't have, rather than on what they do have. The professional waiter is more Zen, he or she waits inside their eternity. They sit and wait because it is in their nature to do so, nothing much moves them. They are detached from the tumbling mental scenarios usually associated with waiting. 

Professional waiting usually deals with tangible things: planes, boats and train, waiting for stuff to arrive. But beyond that there is the intangible, the unseen things we wait for. I term that 'deep waiting'. It doesn't involve logic; it is a form of waiting that asks you to hold an idea sacrosanct in your feelings knowing it will come to pass, when there is no logic of any kind to support the idea. It's a kind of spiritual waiting, a deep sense of trust in God."

-Stuart Wilde

You know what though?  I have been Deep Waiting for a really long time and I'm sick and tired of it!!!  LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Cemetery Plein Air

I love cemeteries.  They are so serene and peaceful.  And beautiful.

Here is a little 1 hour painting i did yesterday.  I forgot my painting BFF, my palette knife...so I used a stick instead, and instead of laying out all my colors at the start I just put out what I needed as I needed it.  All worked out pretty well.

I liked how the graves made a circle.

Shut Down

I shut myself down to certain things a long time ago.  It was deliberate and very conscious, and very effective.

I like being shut down.  It makes life a bit more bearable.  There are things I don't want to remember.
This does not change my capacity or ability for anything, it just numbs me out.  Puts me on pause. It's my nice enclosed bubble of life.  And that suits me just fine.

Opening my energy again is just not worth it is there is nothing to open it for, nothing to reciprocate. To be open to....well, nothing there, is too much sadness for me.

I already hold too much sadness.

There are some things I am very good at, some things I'm terrible at, and some things I just go about completely wrong and ungracefully. Although it is true that I can be extremely lazy at times, in some ways I have iron mental discipline. I am very good at that. Going vegetarian over 20 years ago started this.  I can fast with no problem, and I can get people out of my head with ongoing concentrated effort.  When I need to move on I will Move On.  When I need to shut down I will Shut Down.  It's never done lightly.  It's an end-of-the-road survival mechanism.


My wish is for some new, different life lessons.  
Gentle ones.  Positive ones.

I can't take any more emotional trauma, Well I suppose with the exception of parenting Daya and whatever comes along with that, but I hope we can bypass the really heavy stuff.  Even with teenage years approaching.  Which scares me greatly.  How will I get through?

White Artist Tape is my version of duct tape.  I use it for everything. I practically don't leave home without it.  My whole life is held together with it.  My heart is precariously held together with it. It's not that sturdy but it gets the job done.

This is great stuff